


I'm Not A Baby

by cuteandtwisted



Series: In Every Universe [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Epic Cosmic Level Stuff As Usual lol, Even was obsessed with his hair, Friends to Lovers, Isak Had Long Hair As A Kid, M/M, Protective Even, Smol Isak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9908270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted
Summary: "This is Even, my bro. The part about him being my personal servant is kind of true though.”“Bro? Your bro?! What the fuck, Isak? We need to get rid of this whole hypermasculinity thing they teach you at Nissen.”aka, Isak and Even are childhood friends.OR, the ChildhoodFriends!AU some of you asked for.





	1. Remember when?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. I had to get this out of my system. It's 2AM so I'll edit this later. (I'm still answering comments on That's Not My Name. I will answer all of them I promise! <333)  
> The Childhood AU some of you asked for xx.

**0 - Sixteen & Eighteen**

For the third Friday in a row, Isak found himself staring at Even from a distance and smiling to himself rather embarrassingly at a packed party.

He watched Even laugh and shine as everyone naturally orbited around him. He watched him with sweaty palms, tightness in his chest, and aching in his heart.

Even caught him staring, and immediately started walking in his direction.

“What’s up?” he said, casually leaning against the wall.

“Nothing,” said Isak, looking away and fiddling with his phone.

“That girl has been looking at you for a while now,” said Even, his chin pointing to a blonde girl with long hair.

Her name was Sara or something. She was also a first year at Nissen, and she was indeed looking in their direction.

“She’s probably looking at you,” said Isak.

“Nah, I saw her staring at you a while ago.”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” He rolled his eyes.

“Isak,” Even turned to face him. “You know you’re fucking hot, right?”

_Huh?_

Isak’s breathing hitched and his eyes went wide for a moment before he cleared his throat and managed to let out a nervous laugh.

“The fuck?”

“I’m serious. You’re the hottest person here,” said Even with a smile. “Eva’s wrong. You’re the hot one, not me.”

_What is he doing._

“What the fuck? Why are you being so weird tonight?” said Isak.

But Even didn’t respond. He just kept staring at him for what seemed like an eternity. He looked like he was drinking him in. And after roaming his face, his eyes eventually settled on Isak’s lips.

_What-_

Without a warning, Even took his face in both hands, and Isak was no longer breathing.

They were in the middle of a party. Every single person they knew was there. _Am I dreaming? What in the actual fuck?_

_._

Isak was sixteen in love with his oldest friend.

* * *

_“Remember when my mom was driving us back from school when you were four, and you peed yourself in the car and couldn’t stop crying?”_

_“First of all, that’s bullshit, Even. That never happened. Second, you were six, so you can’t have remembered that. Studies show that memories don’t register until you’re actually 7. Whatever you think you remember is either because you heard it from someone else or because you made it up,” said Isak._

_“Isn’t Childhood amnesia below 3? Why 7? Isn’t that just you, though?” Even teased._

_“Ugh, and new studies have proven it. I can send you a link if you don’t believe me.”_

_“Do you have to always go all science nerd on me?” said Even. “And I do remember it! I remember everything! I even remember the day we met.”_

_Isak rolled his eyes._

_“Sure.”_

.

_1-_ **_Four & Six_ **

When people asked Isak when he met Even, he replied with age four. He didn’t remember any of it, but Even insisted that they met when they were four and six. Isak barely remembered his childhood, just flashes. And he didn’t even trust those.

However, Even was in most of the album photos, most of the birthday videotapes, and most of the letters and notes he kept in a box.

Even was always there, smiling, pulling his long hair, shoving him, looking taller than him, blowing his birthday candles, beating him at football, calling him a princess.

Isak didn’t remember much, but he remembered being jealous of how much taller and older Even was.

“One day, you’ll be six, too. I promise.”

* * *

_“Remember when you dropped me on my head, Jonas? I was like 8 or something. I can’t even remember.”_

_“Uh, that was Even though,” said Jonas._

_“What? No! It was you!” said Isak._

_“Nope, it was Even, bro. Why is your memory so shit? Like even I remember that! Your mom had to come pick you up, and she yelled at Even and blamed it on him having ADHD. That’s when both your moms stopped talking, remember?”_

_._

**2- Eight & Ten**

When Even was ten, he got diagnosed with ADHD.

Isak only heard about it from his father, and he had no idea what it meant. He wasn’t spending as much time with Even as before, given that they were two years apart and spent most of their time in school.

But whenever they saw each other, they picked it up right where they left off. They could spend days playing video games, watching TV, and doing nothing while their parents were having coffee or tea in one of their houses.

After Even dropped Isak on his head, however, their moms stopped talking, and Isak wasn’t allowed to see Even anymore.

Isak didn’t mind. He listened to his mom, and Even was much older anyways.

* * *

_“Remember when I defended your honor when those boys used to pick on you in elementary school? You were like ten.”_

_“Even, what the hell are you talking about? Defended my honor?” Isak rolled his eyes. “Did we even talk in Elementary?.”_

.

**3- Ten & Twelve**

When Isak turned ten, he got regularly picked on by some boys from the year above him for having long hair. Jonas said that he had to confront them and that he would help him. But they cornered him one day when he was all alone.

Isak was so sick of not saying anything and of feeling weak, so he pushed one of them in the middle of the school yard.

“Stop making fun of my hair!” he shouted with tears in his eyes.

The other boys were about to start hitting him when Even suddenly popped out of nowhere.

He was older than them and taller and stronger. He stood in front of Isak and glared at them.

“Leave him alone!”

.

Isak and Even rekindled their friendship after that.

“What’s ADHD?” Isak asked.

“I don’t know,” said Even. “They say I can’t concentrate and I’m too excited all the time.”

“Oh okay.”

“Isak, I’m sorry I dropped you on your head.”

“What? When?”

“Nevermind.”

* * *

_“Remember when you almost got me killed, Mikael?” said Isak._

_“Ugh, don’t remind me. Even still threatens to kill me because of that day,” said Mikael._

_“Huh? It was ages ago! I was like ten.”_

_“You were eleven,” said Even._

_“No, I’m pretty sure it was summer 2009,” said Isak._

_“It was summer 2010, and you had just turned eleven,” said Even._

_“How do you remember everything?” said Isak._

_“It was the summer you broke my heart. How can I forget it?”_

_“Even, what the hell?”_

_“The summer you fucking cut your beautiful hair! I will never forgive you!”_

.

**4- Eleven & Thirteen**

When Isak turned eleven, they decided to ride their bikes down some steep hills and he ended up crashing pretty terribly after Mikael pulled his hair and caused him to lose his balance.

He remembered tumbling down for a while and just waiting for it to stop, waiting to hit a hard surface. He remembered Even, Jonas, and Mikael yelling after him. He remembered the terrified look on their faces and how Even couldn’t breathe.

Isak was experiencing hearing loss from the shock, and he was panicking because he wasn’t feeling anything. But then the pain and the hearing started all at once, and he cried in agony.

“Oh shit oh shit. What do we do? What do we do? I’m so sorry,” Mikael was panicking while Jonas was assessing his injuries.

“My mom is going to kill me,” he muttered under his breath.

But then Even pushed past both of them and brought a hand to Isak’s face.

“Isak, can you stand? Where does it hurt?”

“I don’t know. Shit,” Isak winced when Even touched his knee.

“Language,” said Even.

He then turned around and crouched in front of him.

“Hop on. I’ll carry you home,” he said.

“What the hell?”

“Just do it. You’re so tiny and I’m the tallest here. Come on.”

Isak was very small indeed. His entire body hurt curled around Even’s back, and he was bleeding all over the taller boy’s new Nike t-shirt.

Isak held onto his shoulders while his hair kept sticking to Even’s neck and face. _I should have tied my stupid hair._

Even picked up the pace even though they were climbing up while Jonas and Mikael dragged their bikes behind them.

“Why are you going so fast?” Isak asked. “You’re out of breath.”

“To put some distance between us and the boys.”

“Why?”

“So you can cry,” Even said. “Just cry if it hurts. I won’t tell anyone.”

Isak held tighter onto Even’s shoulders, and cried silently.

The next day he cut his hair, and Even didn’t talk to him for a whole week.

* * *

_“Remember the first time Magnus got drunk?” said Isak. “He threw up everywhere. It was so funny.”_

_“I’m right here, shithead!” said Magnus. “And you still can’t handle alcohol, Isak!”_

_“Yeah, well I’m not a raging alcoholic. I’ve only started drinking like two years ago.”_

_“You got drunk at twelve, though,” said Even._

_“HA!” Magnus shouted. “Give us receipts, man.”_

_“What the fuck, Even? I never got drunk at twelve. What are you talking about?” said Isak._

_“Christmas break 2011? Ring any bells?” said Even._

_“Huh?”_

_But then he remembered something, and then another thing. And all of a sudden, his entire face flushed._

_“What?!”_

_._

**5- Twelve & Fourteen**

When the school year started, Isak barely saw Even at all. He was in his second year of lower secondary school while Isak was still in primary.

He didn’t really mind and spent all of his time with Jonas anyways.

But Even had gotten even taller, and bigger, and Isak hated it. He hated that he had new grown up friends, that he never had time to hang out with Isak anymore, and that he drank alcohol.

He also hated that Even had a girlfriend.

“Does she have big boobs?” he asked him over Christmas break.

He was at Even’s house. He was twelve now, and he didn’t need his mother’s permission to go places.

“I haven’t seen her boobs! And I don’t want to. I broke up with her yesterday,” said Even.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we have much in common,” said Even.

“That’s very lame.”

“I’m serious. She’s a good kisser, but when we hang out, I’m always bored.”

“Everything bores you though,” said Isak.

“Not you. You don’t bore me,” said Even.

“Well you bore **me**. Do you have any alcohol?”

“What?!”

“What? I know you drink,” said Isak.

“You’re twelve!”

“So what?”

"You're a baby!"

"I'm not a baby!"

.

Everything was spinning and Isak had no idea what was going on. So he just kept laughing.

“Alcohol is awesome, Even!”

“Ugh. You better call your parents and tell them you’re staying at Jonas’ or something. You can’t go home like this.”

“Fuck you! I’m fine!” Isak was shouting.

“Isak, stop yelling!”

But Isak didn’t stop. He started singing some silly song at the top of his lungs while Even chased him around the room to shut him up.

“Stop! Mom is going to barge in here,” Even pleaded.

Isak wasn’t even registering his voice anymore. The world was spinning and he felt dizzy and happy. The next thing he knew, he was pinned to Even’s bed with the taller boy’s hand covering his mouth.

“Shh!”

He stopped moving, and Even removed his hand. Their faces were close, and Isak kept looking at Even’s lips.

“What?” said Even. “What are you staring at?”

Isak pushed him away and sat up.

“Even, can I ask you a question?”

“You already did.”

“What?”

“Nevermind, what is it?” said Even.

“How does kissing feel?”

“Huh?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone, but there’s this girl in my class. Her name is Lisa, and I think we’ll kiss soon,” said Isak. “I want to be good but I don’t know how.”

“You’re asking me for kissing advice?”

“Yes,” said Isak. His cheeks were pink and his eyelids were heavy. The world was still spinning, and Even’s lips looked nice, nicer than Lisa’s perhaps.

“Uh, I don’t know. You just press your lips together I guess,” said Even.

“What about tongue? You know like in the movies.”

Even laughed.

“Isak, promise me you won’t shove your tongue in Lisa’s mouth.”

“Why not?”

“That’s not how first kisses should be. You should be gentle, I think. Just close your eyes and trust yourself.”

“That’s the worst advice ever! Jonas said to use my tongue! You suck! Give me more beer!” Isak was back to yelling.

“No!”

Isak got more beer and they were both intoxicated, but it was okay because he called his mother to tell her he was sleeping at Jonas’, and she liked Jonas.

They were sprawled on the floor, and Even was playing with his hair while Isak told him random stories about Jonas.

They kept laughing and giggling. They were both so drunk. His mother would be furious if she found out Even was ‘corrupting him’ again.

“What did you girlfriend say when you dumped her?”

“I didn’t dump her! I just told her I was sorry but I wasn’t in love with her,” said Even.

“Pfft! Pussy!”

“Isak! What the fuck?! Who teaches you this?”

“Whatever, I’m twelve! I can say whatever I want! So what did she say?” said Isak.

“Uh. She said I was a bad kisser anyway and that she likes William better or something.”

“What? What a bitch! Fuck her! Girls are the worst!” Isak was shouting again while Even laughed.

“It’s okay. I told her I liked someone else, too,” he said.

“What? Who?”

“You.”

“Even. That’s so gay!” said Isak, laughing.

Even laughed, too.

“But it’s true. I don’t know. I like you better than her. I'd rather spend time with you than with her. Does it make me gay?” said Even.

“I don’t know. Why are you asking me? What the fuck?”

.

Even’s parents were sleeping, so they went down and stole some Vodka.

“Shit, Even I can’t see.”

“That’s because I turned off the lights.”

.

They were lying on Even’s bed, laughing and shoving each other.

“I don’t think you’re gay, Even.”

“What?”

“You like me better than your girlfriend because I’m so fucking cool not because you’re a homo.”

Even laughed.

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

“I’m serious. I think that to be gay, you need to like want to kiss the person, too. Not just spend time with them. Don’t you think?” said Isak.

“You’re right.”

.

Isak couldn’t remember what they were doing or what was happening, but it was dark in the room, the world was spinning, and Even was kissing him.

So he kissed him back until they both fell asleep.

.

The next day, he panicked the entire way back home.

_does getting drunk make you want to kiss people - Google Search_

_does drinking vodka make you gay - Google search_

_what happens if you kiss a boy when you’re drunk and you’re a boy too - Google search_

_am i gay - Google search_

.

On Monday after the break, Even sent him a text.

**Good luck with Lisa! Hope our practice pays off lollll xD**

A week later, Even started dating a girl named Anna, and Isak stopped talking to him altogether.

They didn’t talk for over a year.

* * *

_“Remember when you tried to set me up with Eva?” said Even._

_“Jesus! That was forever ago!” said Isak._

_“It was funny though.”_

_“Little did I know she was pining after Jonas.”_

.

**6- Thirteen & Fifteen**

At age thirteen, Isak spent most of his time with Jonas, his girlfriend Ingrid, and her best friend Eva. It was alright.

Ingrid dared Eva to get a boyfriend who was in grade 10, so she asked Isak for help.

“Uh, what the fuck?”

“I heard one of your childhood friends is two years older,” she pleaded.

“Eva, what the hell. I don’t even talk to him anymore,” said Isak.

“Why not?”

“Whatever, I don’t know. We just don’t see each other.”

“Please, Isak. Please! We made a bet, and I promised to cut my hair if I lose,” said Eva.

“Are you serious? What the hell? Why would you do that?”

“Please! Jonas told me you used to have long hair, too. Just imagine my pain.”

.

Somehow, Isak ended up agreeing to the whole thing. And a few days later, Even joined them for coffee.

It was the most awkward encounter ever. There he was sitting with Jonas, Ingrid, Eva, and Even.

_What the fuck am I doing._

.

When Even realized he was being set up, he didn’t hide his disappointment.

“I thought you missed me or something.”

“Uh, I do, though,” said Isak.

It was true.

“Isak, it was for a bet. I’m sorry but I feel a bit like shit right now,” said Even.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you or whatever.”

“And I have a girlfriend anyways. Her name is Sonja. I think you’d like her.”

.

Isak knew who she was. He had seen her latched onto him in the school hallways.

Isak hated her.

* * *

_“Remember when I found you in bed with Even and Sonja and I thought you had a threesome?” said Mikael._

_“Jesus christ!” said Isak._

_“Wait what? I think I’d remember such an amazing moment in my life,” said Even._

_“Ugh. You were depressed. And it wasn’t like that! She didn’t know I was in the bed, too,” said Isak._

_“Wait, what?”_

.

**7- Fourteen & Sixteen**

When Isak turned fourteen, he got a call from Even’s mother asking him if he could stop by their house.

Apparently, Even wasn’t feeling well. He refused to see Sonja and his friends, and he barely left bed.

“He always told you everything. Could you stop by? I don’t know what happened.”

.

The curtains were drawn and Even was curled around himself in bed. He looked small, so small.

“Hey, loser. It’s me. I heard you’re being lame,” said Isak.

Even was awake but he didn’t respond.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Isak climbed into bed with him, and his brows instantly furrowed when he saw Even’s glassy eyes.

He looked so sad.

“I don’t know,” said Even.

“Is it Sonja? Did something happen with her?”

“No.”

“What is it then?”

“Isak, I think something’s wrong with me,” Even whispered.

Isak couldn’t help it. He reached out and pushed his hair away from his forehead.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m so tired of everything.”

Isak had never seen Even so sad, so down. Sure, Isak got moody sometimes, but it was nothing compared to the despair in Even’s voice.

It broke his heart. It really did. Isak had no idea what was wrong, but he knew that he wanted to fix it.

“What do you mean you don’t want to be alive? What kind of emo crap?” he managed, very nervously.

“Isak, I’m serious.”

“Okay. Uh, did you tell your mother?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“She’ll freak out,” said Even. “I’m no longer too excited about everything all the time.”

“Are you supposed to feel sad when you have ADHD?” said Isak.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you still being treated for that?”

“I don’t fucking know. I don’t take pills anymore. I don’t know. I just want to sleep.” Even sounded frustrated and tired and sad, so sad.

“Hey!” Isak held his face in his hands and Even closed his eyes. “You're not allowed to disappear or whatever. Do you hear me?”

Isak then lay down on the bed next to him and pulled him into his chest.

“Stay with me?” Even whispered into his neck.

“Okay.”

“Please don’t tell mom,” Even begged.

“Okay.”

.

Isak stayed the entire weekend. He only left Even’s room to tell his mother that he was okay, and that it was just silly stuff with his girlfriend Sonja.

But he couldn’t help but feel like he was doing the wrong thing. Even sounded really bad. He almost sounded like his own mother.

_Ugh. No. Even isn’t fucking crazy._

.

He slept in his bed for three nights. They weren’t touching but Isak wanted to.

So on Sunday night, Isak pressed his chest against Even's back then wrapped his arms around his waist.

_I will hold you until you feel better._

It was ridiculous because he was much smaller than Even.

It got even more ridiculous the next day when Mikael opened the door and found him in bed with Even and Sonja.

She had come in early in the morning, and had only seen Even as Isak was buried under the sheets.

“What the fuck is going on here?!” Mikael shouted.

“Shhh. He’s sleeping!” Both Sonja and Isak said at the same time.

.

Even got diagnosed with depression not too long after that. And Isak felt like the world was ending.

* * *

_“Remember when we all walked in on Magnus getting himself off during our ski trip?” said Mahdi._

_Isak bursted out laughing._

_“Fuck you guys! You all act like you’ve never masturbated in your life,” said Magnus._

_“Bro, no offense. But I make sure to hold it in until I get home,” said Jonas._

_“Shit, do you remember his face? And we came in at the right moment. I still can’t believe it,” said Isak, holding his stomach from laughing too hard._

_“You need to work on your come face, bro,” said Mahdi._

_“My come face?! What the fuck, is that something you work on?” said Magnus._

_“Don’t listen to these kids, Mags. Just do you,” said Even._

_“Okay, don’t listen to this guy right here. He gives the worst advice when it comes to exactly everything,” said Isak, rolling his eyes._

_“You never asked me for advice on your come face though, so you’re being a bit unfair!” said Even._

_“Even, I do not want to discuss my come face with you. Or with any of you for that matter. What the fuck.”_

_Even laughed then leaned in to whisper in his ear._

_“I love your come face though.”_

_“What the fuck, Even!” Isak actually yelled, before realizing what he was talking about._

_His face flushed and he wanted to die._

.

**8- Fifteen & Seventeen**

When he was fifteen, Even invited Isak, Mikael, and Jonas to his parents’ cabin.

“Can I bring my girlfriend Ingrid?” said Jonas.

“Sorry, man. But I kind of told Sonja this was a boys only thing, so I don’t want her to be mad,” said Even.

.

“Why did you say that to Sonja?” said Isak.

“Uh, she’s been complaining about me wanting to have sex too often, so I guess this is me cutting her some slack,” said Even.

“What?”

“I’m too horny all the time, but I guess if she’s not here then I won’t be asking for sex. Get it?”

“That makes absolutely no sense,” said Isak.

“Says the virgin,” Even teased.

Isak’s mouth gaped.

“What the fuck? How dare you!? A virgin? Me? What?” Isak scoffed.

“You don’t have to pretend with me. I don’t care.”

“Even!”

“Isak, have you ever been naked with someone? Like has anyone ever seen you naked and vice versa?” said Even.

“What the fuck?” Isak didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t.

“It’s honestly so beautiful. I don’t think I ever knew who I really was until I was completely naked in front of someone. It’s like you’re free, you know what I mean?”

Isak had no idea what he meant. But he was flustered and confused and high from the weed. So he brushed it off.

.

They smoked joints, and swam in the small pool. Isak couldn’t help but stare at Jonas’ back. He spent every moment of most days with Jonas, and he had somehow gotten used to following his every movement, to watching his muscles flex around his broad shoulders.

Mikael was now wrestling Jonas in the kitchen in nothing but briefs, and Isak couldn’t take it anymore so he excused himself.

He left all three of them downstairs and headed straight to the bathroom, sat on the toilet seat, pulled down his pants, and took himself in his hand.

_I hate myself._

So when Even suddenly pushed the door open a few minutes later, he all but choked.

“What the fuck, Even!”

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I just.”

For some reason, it only made Isak even more aroused. He was beyond embarrassed, but he couldn’t stop stroking himself.

Even stood there by the door and stared at him with a gaping mouth.

“Shit, please leave. Please!” Isak pleaded, with a flushed face and teary eyes. 

“I, uh..”

Even came inside instead and locked the door behind him.

“What are you doing?” Isak was panting, still touching himself.

“I don’t know.”

So when Even kneeled in front of him and wrapped his hand around him, Isak gasped and tried to stifle a moan.

_What the fuck._

But it felt good, so good.

“Fuck!”

Isak was full-on moaning now. He tried to keep it low, but it was literally the first time anyone had ever touched him, ever.

“Come for me, come on. Come on, Isak.”

_What the fuck is this. What’s going on._

“You’re so fucking hot like this. Shit,” Even was staring into his eyes while stroking him.

Isak had no idea which alternate universe he had stepped into. But he couldn’t look away. He was moaning and his chest was heaving. And he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t.

He made a mess, and it was the worst moment of his life.

Even rolled out some toilet paper, and cleaned his hand, and then Isak, Isak who just sat there in total disbelief.

_I want to fucking die._

“I want to fucking die!” said Isak, taking his head into his hands.

“Don’t joke about that,” said Even.

_Fuck. Of course._

“I’m sorry,” said Isak.

“It’s okay.” Even got on his feet and Isak couldn’t help but stare at the front of his jeans.

“You’re, uh. Do you need help with that?” said Isak.

_Fuck it. There’s no turning back now. Whatever. Just fuck it._

“What?”

Isak unbuckled Even’s jeans instead.

“What are you doing?” Even shrieked.

“I don’t know.”

“Isak, stop. **You’re a baby**! No.” Even shoved his hands away.

“Shut up. **I’m not a baby**. I'm fucking fifteen and I’m just returning the favor. I hate owing things to people.”

Even was about to protest some more, but Isak had already shoved a hand down his boxers.

“Jesus! This is so wrong!” said Even.

“Whatever. Just two bros helping each other out, okay?”

Isak had never seen Even look so raw, so wrecked, so intense. He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream, and he wanted to be freaking Sonja who complained about having too much sex with Even.

They were both standing now, Isak’s right hand wrapped around Even, and Even’s holding Isak’s face.

He was moaning while staring into his eyes, and Isak had never been so lost. Even kept looking at his lips.

“If you kiss me right now, I’m going to fucking scream. I’m not joking. Whatever you’re thinking, don’t fucking do it,” he said, out of breath, his head spinning with lust. _Please._

“Fuck it!”

So Even kissed him, his gigantic hands burning through his skin where they rested on his face.

_Oh my god. Oh my god._

Isak was still stroking him, and Even was kissing him hungrily now.

There was tongue. _Tongue!_ Tongue and teeth and moans.

Isak kissed back just as messily, and stroked him until Even reached his release all over his hand.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking hell. Shit,” Even was a mess and his chest was heaving.

He pressed their foreheads together and breathed.

But then his phone suddenly started ringing.

_Sonja._

.

Even and Sonja broke up that exact same day.

They never spoke about the ‘getting each other off while high as shit’ incident, but Isak literally squirmed whenever Even walked into the room.

A few weeks later, Even was back with Sonja, and it hurt too much, way too much.

Isak still felt things when he looked at Jonas or Chris during PE, but nothing came close to the fire in his chest when Even looked at him for a little too long. Nothing.

He tried his best to keep his distance and to keep his feelings at bay, but he couldn’t.

Not when Even smiled at him like that, not when he showed up to his school to confront him about why he was ignoring him, not when he came running whenever Isak’s mom had one of her breakdowns.

_I’m so fucked._

* * *

_“Remember when Even almost punched a guy in Jonas’ house? That was fun,” said Magnus._

_“Ugh. It was fucking dumb,” said Isak._

_“Elias was kind of a dick. I’m sorry Isak,” said Jonas._

_“Kind of? Kind of?!” Even scoffed._

_“Ugh,” Isak rolled his eyes._

.

**9- Fifteen & Eighteen**

Even only met Elias once at Jonas’ house, but that’s all it took for him to almost shove him when he referred to Isak as ‘the gay boy’.

“Whatever, Even, he’s just a fucking dick. Ignore him,” said Isak when he saw the frown settling in face.

But Even didn’t ignore him. Of course he didn’t.

“Hey man. No offense,” said Even, standing right in Elias’ face. “I mean I don’t even know your name. But listen. I know Isak has a really pretty face, and it’s probably fucking with your head right now. I bet you can’t sleep at night cause you’re like ‘oh fuck, am I gay?’. Been there, done that. But don’t project your shit on him.”

.

“Even, what the fuck was that? That was fucking embarrassing! I can stand up for myself. You just made things worse! Now I look like some weak piece of shit who brought his older friend to stand up for him.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t fucking thinking. **You’re like my baby** , you know that. I couldn’t just sit there.”

“Your baby? What the fuck, Even? Believe it or not but when you say shit like this, it hurts just as much as Elias’ comments. **I’m not a baby!**  I’m almost fucking sixteen!”

“It’s not my fault you have a baby face! But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll lose all that baby fat and become super tall by next year, the latest!”

“Ugh.”

.

Isak didn’t dwell on the ‘pretty face’ comment.

_He’s with Sonja. He likes girls. He has sex with girls. Stop being fucking weird._

But right before dozing off that night, he smiled to himself.

* * *

_“Remember when you first started at Nissen and you kept inviting me to these first year parties to impress girls?” said Even._

_“Ugh. That’s not why I invited you,” said Isak._

_“Why did you, then?”_

_“You know why,” said Isak._

_Even smiled._

_“I like that answer.”_

_._

**10- Sixteen & Eighteen**

Isak couldn’t remember the exact moment he started considering Even his bestfriend. He couldn’t pinpoint it. He never really thought about it. That wasn’t how friendships worked after all. There was never a rite of passage, a ‘congratulations, you’re my bestfriend’ moment. They never actually acknowledged it or said it out loud, and Isak never dwelled on it until some random girl asked who Even was.

It just made sense. They may not have spent all of their time together. But they knew each other like the back of their hands.

Even was the only person in the world who had ever seen Isak cry (and have an orgasm).

He was the only one who knew he cried watching Romeo & Juliet.

He was the only person who knew just how much he loved Jason Mraz.

Even listened to him complain about everything and always knew what to say. He was always there for him, and forgave everything no matter how awful Isak was being to him.

Isak genuinely thought it would be weird after the cabin incident. But it just wasn’t.

There was more teasing and Even stared at him for way too long sometimes. But nothing else had changed. And Even didn't push him away or treat him differently.

.

“I’m his bestfriend slash personal servant,” said Even. “Pleased to meet you.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Best friend? That’s corny as shit. We’re not freaking girls!” said Isak, before turning his attention back to the girl with long dark hair. “This is Even, my bro. The part about him being my personal servant is kind of true though.”

“Bro? Your bro?! What the fuck, Isak? We need to get rid of this whole hypermasculinity thing they teach you at Nissen,” said Even, all smiles. “And do ‘bros’ do what we do?! And what was that? We’re not girls? What’s wrong with girls? Since when is having a bestfriend specific to a certain gender?”

Even’s tangent seemed to have scared the girl away. Isak punched him in the shoulder.

“Is your goal in life to ruin all my chances with every girl, ever?!” said Isak.

“Actually yes,” said Even, beaming.

“You’re the worst fucking wingman, seriously. You’re older and from another school. You’re supposed to attract the girls with your ‘third year’ nonsense, and then make them realize that I’m the cool one by being your usual lame self.”

“Oh yeah?” Even teased, leaning a bit closer and making his insides do embarrassing things he would never admit out loud.

“What do you mean ‘oh yeah’? Of course I’m the cool one,” he said instead, trying to hide just how flustered he was.

“Hmm. What does that make me then?” said Even, before Eva made her way to them.

“Hello handsome!” she said, snuggling to Even’s side briefly before letting go. Isak wanted to shove her away. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Isak was telling me about how he’s the cool one and I’m the lame one in our relationship,” said Even.

“Okay, first of all. It’s not a relationship!” said Isak.

“Oh sorry, my bad. Our bro-ship. Our 12 year long bro-ship.” Even smiled.

“Oh fuck off!”

“Uh, the lame one? I think Isak meant to say the hot one,” said Eva, winking at Even.

“That’s just mean, Eva,” said Isak.

Even laughed, that big ‘Even laugh’ that made everyone, _everyone_ , feel something.

.

The party was winding down and Even kept making all the girls who approached them run away.

“Listen Even. Just because you broke up with Sonja and you’re feeling heartbroken, or whatever it is that lame guys feel, doesn’t mean you have to ruin things for me too!”

“Why are you so desperate to find a girl lately? You don’t even like girls,” said Even.

Isak’s eyes went wide. _What the fuck?_

“What? What the fuck?”

“You said it yourself earlier, remember? _‘We’re not girls, Even!’_ ” he said, adopting a higher pitch to imitate Isak. _“_ Seems like you have some agenda against girls. I’m just saying.”

Even smiled, and Isak realized he had stopped breathing. _Oh my god._

“First of all, I don’t talk like that! Second, you’re a fucking nerd! Third, I love girls, okay?!”

“Is this because of what that guy Elias said?” Even was suddenly very serious.

“Huh, what?”

“Isak, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You know that, right? Just because you’ve just started your first year at Nissen doesn’t mean you have to go around banging girls left and right to establish a sense of hypermasculinity or whatever.”

“Even, I can’t take you seriously when you keep throwing these weird words at me. Not all of us go to Bakka or have a Tumbarell.”

“It’s Tumblr. And I’m serious. You can me tell me anything, Isak.”

_I know._

“What does me wanting to bang girls have to do with fucking Elias whom you’ve met once?” said Isak.

“Right. Nevermind. I don’t know. I need another drink.”

.

“You know you’re fucking hot, right”?

“The fuck?”

“I’m serious. You’re the hottest person here,” said Even with a smile. “Eva’s wrong. You’re the hot one, not me.”

“What the fuck? Why are you being so weird tonight?” said Isak, with his heart in his throat.

.

Even’s hands were cupping Isak’s face and everything was just too much. Isak couldn’t breathe and Even was looking at his lips.

They were in the middle of a party. Every single person they knew was there. _Am I dreaming? What in the actual fuck?_

.

But before Isak could register what was happening, Even was squishing his face, squeezing his cheeks together, and laughing like a kid.

“Ugh! What the hell?” Isak was trying to get out of his hold but the older boy wasn’t letting go.

“You look so funny like this! Holy shit, your face, Isak! Remember when I used to do this when we were kids? You always got so mad.”

“Ugh, stop! We’re not fucking kids! Stop being so weird!”

Isak was trying to push him away, but he didn’t want to bring even more attention to them. So he decided to stop fighting and let Even squish his face.

“Even, I know you’re feeling like shit because you broke up with Sonja, but please stop taking it out on me,” Isak sighed. “You literally ruined all my chances of hooking up with any girl tonight by pulling those stunts earlier.”

Even stopped laughing. “That’s not why I did that.”

Even’s gaze was soft, too soft. He was looking at Isak like he held the secret to the universe, and he couldn’t help but blush.

_Don’t be fucking weird._

“Why-” Isak could barely speak. “Why did you do it then?”

His tone was too weak, too hopeful, too something, and his heart was beating fast, too fast in his chest.

“You know why,” Even stopped squeezing his cheeks, and was now stroking them gently instead.

Isak stared at him, with wide eyes, parted lips, and drumming against his ribcage.

“Just think about it. You’re smart. You can figure it out,” Even whispered.

And just like that, he let go of his face and disappeared into the crowd.

When Isak tried to find him later, Jonas said that he left with some girl.

“She was so fucking hot, bro.” So he smiled, high fived Jonas, and tried to act like his heart wasn’t breaking.

.

_Fucking asshole._

_._

Isak went back home with a broken heart, only to find his dad standing by the door with packed bags.

His mom was having a mental breakdown inside the house. Plates were breaking and walls were shaking and the world was ending.

He pulled out his phone and typed the first text he could think of.

* * *

**Even**

00:23

my dad just left my mom

Shit

where are you

I dont know

just left my house

Im coming

Dont move

* * *

Isak spent the night in Even’s bed, and he held him like he had never been held before.

“Even.”

“Yes?”

“I think I’m gay.”

“That's okay.”

Even hugged him closer.

.

“Isak.”

“Yes?”

“Would you leave me if I went crazy?”

“No. Never.”

. 

"Even."

"Yeah?"

"My parents are getting a fucking divorce."

"I'm sorry."

.

"Isak."

"Hm?"

"I think I'm crazy."

"No. You're not."

.

“Even.”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”


	2. Sixteen & Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pining, more snapshots & the right diagnosis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loved LOVED you guys' feedback/reactions to the first chapter so here I am lol <3333 And awwwwww I'm replying to comments right now! Hope you like this. Structure is a bit different than part 1. Essentially there's NOW (Sixteen & Eighteen) and there's snapshots (3).  
> This chapter is inspired by this song: Low Roar - Nobody Loves Me Like You

**Now- Sixteen & Eighteen**

“I love you,” said Isak.

Even tightened his grip around his shoulders.

“I love you, too,” said Even.

_Not like that._

It was Isak’s first time saying it out loud, ever.

Even, however, had said it before. He had said it so many times that the words no longer had meaning.

_Not like that._

* * *

**1- Twelve & Fourteen**

Isak’s twelfth birthday was a disaster. His mother forgot to bake a cake, and she wouldn’t let him invite Even.

“Mom! He’s my friend!”

“I will not have him or his mother in my house,” she said. “You always get hurt when he’s around. He’s so reckless!”

“For the millionth time, Mikael was the reason I fell off my bike, not Even!”

.

When Isak told Even, he was understanding.

“It’s okay,” he said, with a smile.

“No, it’s not okay! Your mom lets me come to your house all the time. I hate my mom. Why is she like this? I don’t want this stupid birthday party,” said Isak.

“You already invited everybody. It would be rude to cancel at the last minute.”

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t act like a baby, Isak.”

“I’m not a baby!” Isak scoffed.

.

Isak didn’t cancel the birthday party and it wasn’t that bad. Many people showed up and brought gifts. But when even Mikael showed up, he couldn’t help but feel bad for Even who was all alone in his house.

Isak was sitting on the couch, feeling terrible, when he got a text.

.

**Even**

18:29

come outside :p

.

Isak ran out of the house and found Even propped against a wall, wearing that t-shirt that Isak really liked, and holding what looked like a present in his hands.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to give you my present,” said Even with a smile.

“Uh. What? You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” said Even handing him the small package.

“What is it?”

“You can open it later. I have to go before your mom sees me.”

“That’s not fair. You’re already here. Just come inside. I don’t care,” said Isak.

“No, I don’t want your mom to yell at you on your birthday.”

_But I don’t care._

“Uh. Okay,” said Isak instead.

He was feeling a bit nervous under Even’s intense stare, and he didn’t know why.

“Okay, I gotta go,” said Even, now walking backwards and waving at Isak.

He waved back until Even was far enough, then turned around to go back into the house. The moment he reached the door, he heard Even yell behind him.

“Isak!” Even was running back to him.

_Huh._

He had barely managed to turn around completely when a breathless Even was in his face again. He cupped his face and smiled.

“Happy birthday,” Even said. “I forgot to wish you a happy birthday.”

Isak wanted to say something along the lines of ‘you’re so weird let go of my face’. But nothing made it past his mouth because Even was now leaning in to whisper something in his ear.

Isak stopped breathing in anticipation.

“I love you,” he whispered.

_What._

Even pulled back, looked into his eyes, and planted a soft kiss to his left cheek.

“Bye!” He then ran away and disappeared around the corner.

Isak stayed outside for a long moment until Jonas and his mom opened the door.

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said Jonas. “Why is your face so red?”

.

When the party ended, his mom sat him down and looked into his eyes.

“Isak, I saw you with Even earlier.”

“He came to give me a present because you wouldn’t let him inside,” said Isak.

“Why was he kissing your face?”

“What?!” His entire face flushed.

“Isak, don’t lie to me. What is he doing to you? What is he making you do?” she was becoming hysterical.

“Mom!!”

“I don’t want you hanging out with him ever again!”

.

Isak locked himself in his room and stared at Even’s present. It was a t-shirt, the same t-shirt he was wearing and that Isak liked so much. And with it came a note.

_Happy birthday Issy! Now you have the same one :p. I used my allowance money to get you this haha. Hope you like it._ _  
_ _Love you._  
-Even

* * *

**Now- Sixteen & Eighteen**

“You should go see your mom,” said Even. “You’ve been here for two days.”

“So what? She’s crazy! I don’t know how to take care of her.”

“She’s not crazy, Isak. She’s mentally ill. Just like me. She doesn’t control it.”

“But you have depression. You’re not a psycho. It’s not the same thing! And you go see your doctors and take your meds. She doesn’t want to do anything. She just sits at home and screams,” said Isak.

“Well, I do that because I have my parents and I have you to support me. Your dad just left and you’re not there for her. It’s not fair. You should help her like you help me.”

“But why? She never did anything for me. She just yells at me and blames me for everything. She doesn’t care about me at all!” said Isak.

“Of course, she does Isak. She cares about you so much. She just has different ways to show it.”

“Why are you defending her? She thinks you’re fucking Satan! Her life mission was to keep me away from you,” said Isak.

“Yeah well, she thought I was making you do things. I remember her calling me to stay away a couple of times.” Even laughed.

“What?! She called you?! When? Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Well you’re so much younger than me. So it makes sense that she thought I was making you like drink and smoke and stuff,” said Even. “I mean she figured out that the night you got drunk at twelve was my fault, so.”

“But every teen in the universe does that at some point, what the hell? She called you because of that?”

“No, it was after,” said Even.

“When? Why?”

“I think it was after she caught us getting high that one time. You were fourteen I think. Something about the way I look at you,” Even smiled to himself.

“What?”

“Nevermind. Just go home. At least see how she’s doing,” said Even.

“I don’t want to. I can’t handle any more crazy shit in my life.”

Even didn’t respond to that. He grabbed his jacket instead.

“I’ll walk you to your house,” he said.

* * *

**2- Fourteen & Sixteen**

Even was feeling better after being down for almost a month. He had spent days going to various doctors and adjusting to medication.

“Are you coming to school next week?” said Isak on the phone.

“Yeah. I feel fucking fantastic,” said Even. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing planned. Jonas is with Ingrid, and Eva’s out of town this weekend. Want to come over? My parents aren’t home.”

.

Even had a grin plastered on his face.

“What’s with your face?” said Isak.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“What?”

“Have you ever smoked weed?”

.

“No, you need to actually inhale it. It needs to go into your lungs. Don’t just puff all of it out,” said Even.

Isak took a long drag and almost choked. Even bursted out laughing.

“Shit, shit, it fucking hurts,” he was choking and coughing.

“Oh my, you’re such a baby!”

“I’m not a fucking baby! I just inhaled too much!” Isak was still coughing and tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Even laughed then scooted closer until they were in each other’s faces, sitting on the floor. He reached out and wiped his tears.

“You’re so cute,” he said.

“Fuck off!”

They smoked the rest of Even’s stash, Isak watching him carefully roll the joints with his long fingers. Isak was feeling weird, but a good kind of weird. He felt like he was floating or dreaming. He felt tired but he never wanted to wake up.

He wanted to rest his head on Even’s lap. So he did.

Even didn’t flinch. He just played with his hair instead.

“I miss your long hair,” he said.

“Shut up. That was ages ago. Just get over it.”

“Never.”

Isak still coughed every single time he took a drag and Even made fun of him every single time.

“Not all of us are freaking thugs, you know,” said Isak.

“Thugs?” Even laughed. “Isak, is this really your first time?”

There was no use in denying it. “Yes,” he admitted.

Even didn’t laugh or make fun of him.   

“Good,” said Even.

“Good?”

“I like being around for your first times,” he said, locking a strand of hair around his index finger and looking into his eyes.

Isak couldn’t help but blush. The weed was getting to him, too.

“My first times?”

“Yeah, your first time drinking, your first time smoking a cigarette, your first time trying weed,” said Even.

“You make it sound like you’re always corrupting me,” said Isak.

“I am in a way, aren’t I? I kind of feel bad but I don’t want you doing these things with random people. I don’t know. I’d rather you do them with me first. That way I can teach you.”

“I’m not a freaking baby!” said Isak.

“You are, though. My baby.”

“Fuck off!” Isak shoved him. “Is that why you basically forced me into smoking a cigarette with you that one time?”

“Exactly! See, since it was with me, you realized you hated it and you’ll never do it again,” said Even.

“That makes no fucking sense.”

“It doesn’t have to. We’re high. Things don’t have to make sense,” said Even.

His hands had left his hair and were now brushing softly against his jaw. Even was looking at his lips and then into his eyes.

“I love you,” said Even.

Isak couldn’t help but blush again.

“What the fuck. When will you stop saying this? It’s weird,” said Isak.

“I’ll stop when it stops making you blush.”

“I’m not blushing,” said Isak. “Anyways, how are things with Sonja?”

“We’re taking a break.”

“What? You broke up?”

“No, it’s just a break. I mean I just got diagnosed with clinical depression, so she needs time,” said Even.

“But she was there when you were down,” said Isak.

“Yeah, as a friend,” said Even. “I also need time to think.”

“Think about what?”

“Stuff.”

“Stuff like what?”

“Stuff like this.”

Even leaned down and kissed him on the lips, just a peck. Isak’s eyes went wide, and he shoved him almost instantly.

“What are you doing?!” Isak sat up.

“I don’t know.”

“Even, what the hell? Is it the weed?”

“I just want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?”

Isak was high, and Even was on a break with Sonja.

“Last time you kissed me we didn’t talk for a year,” said Isak.

“You remember that?”

“It was my first kiss, Even.”

“I know.”

“You wanted to be my first.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Even was looking at his lips again, and Isak couldn’t help but do the same.

“Even, are we homos?”

“No,” Even cupped his face. “We’re friends who are high and who want to kiss each other right now.”

“Okay.”

So Isak let Even kiss him. He let him push his tongue inside his mouth and take whatever it was that he wanted. He let him because he wanted it, too.

Isak’s back was against the floor and Even was straddling him and moaning against his mouth.

But then he sat up suddenly and brought a hand to his own hair.

“Shit, fuck. What am I doing to you? Isak, I’m sorry.”

Isak sat up, too, and grabbed his neck.

“Shut up.”

He climbed on his lap and kissed him first this time.

“Just shut up.”

Not too long after that, Isak’s parents opened the front door, and they jumped away from each other.

Even was hiding under his bed, but Isak couldn’t stop giggling, so his mother figured it out.

She kicked Even out and grounded Isak for two weeks.

“You can’t do that. I’m fourteen!”

.

The following week, Isak saw Even and Sonja kissing in the school hallways and skipped the rest of the day.

He walked home with tears all over his face. It hurt too much.

_Fuck you. Just fuck you. I guess you’re done thinking you fucking asshole._

On the third day, he went back to school and sat with Even and Sonja during lunch.

“I heard you took this loser back,” said Isak, smiling at Sonja.

Even didn’t smile once.

* * *

**Now- Sixteen & Eighteen**

Isak stayed with his mom for a couple of days. She seemed to be doing better, but he still couldn’t get over the fact that his dad has left.

When classes were over, Isak found Even waiting for him next to Nissen.

“What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you. Missed you,” said Even before kissing his cheek.

“Uh, okay. Don’t kiss my face, what the fuck,” Isak pushed him away. “Didn’t you have class?”

“Didn’t feel like going today.”

“What? You’re a third year, Even. I don’t know how things work in Bakka but I’m sure you can’t just skip a day.”

“Who cares? Today’s such a great day! Who has time for class! And they don’t care because they know I have depression, so they’ll think it’s because of that!”

“What’s up with you? You’re too jumpy. You’re smiling too much,” said Isak.

“Since when is that a bad thing?”

.

They went to a park with Jonas, Eva, and Magnus, and Isak watched Even pull out a heavy book from his backpack.

“What are you reading?” he asked.

“The Quran.”

Isak laughed. “Funny.”

“I’m serious.”

“What?”

“It’s honestly so fascinating! Aren’t you disgusted with the islamophobia going on in the world right now? It’s crazy! I started reading it to educate myself. I got a translated copy obviously, but I’m trying to learn Arabic right now, because I don’t like translations. You know it doesn’t quite capture the meaning of things. Did you know that it’s considered the finest work in classical Arabic literature? It was written in rhymed prose! It’s unbelievable. You can’t tell when you read translated versions which is why I’m trying to memorize it in Arabic. It’s really fascinating. It’s considered a miracle because the prophet was technically illiterate and he couldn’t have come up with such incredible prose unless it was through revelation. You should read it sometime, Isak. I have the translated version with me.”

.

Isak didn’t sleep that night. Apparently, Even didn’t either.

.

**Even**

03:42

I can’t fucking sleep

I can’t stop thinking about you

I can’t stop thinking about that night

I want to be your first too

* * *

**3- Months Earlier - That Night**

Isak was starting at Nissen in a few days. He was nervous so Even invited him over to his house.

“I have some whiskey!” he said over the phone.

When Isak walked in, Sonja was there and she immediately frowned when she saw him.

“Uh, hello to you, too. I guess,” said Isak.

She sighed and started gathering her things.

“What’s going on here? Did you guys fight again?” said Isak.

“Yes, we did, actually. For fuck’s sake, Even. Are you kidding me?”

“Sonja, seriously,” said Even.

“No, fuck you!”

Sonja left the house and Even went after her.

Isak shrugged and sank into the couch.

_Ugh._

Isak had learned to appreciate and love Sonja. Sure, he hated her at first, but she truly had nothing but Even’s best interest at heart. And that was enough. _I guess._ Besides, Even cared about her as well, and they had been together for almost three years now.

Isak had spent so many nights crying into his pillows, that he reached a stage of acceptance.

_Whatever. He’s with Sonja. He’s not into you. You’re just friends who do things when you’re drunk and high sometimes. He wants Sonja. Not you._

Isak really appreciated how nurturing and caring she was. She also took care of him sometimes. Sonja had always been sweet to Isak. But when they got back together after the ‘getting each other off while high as shit’ incident, she started acting cold towards him.  

.

When Even came back into the apartment, he looked kind of sad.

“What was that? Did you call me here while you guys were fighting? That’s shit even for you,” said Isak.

“No, the fighting started after,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“I forgot we had plans for tonight. And it sounded like you were freaking out over the phone, so I just invited you over. She got super mad.”

“I’d feel bad, but it’s all on you, bro,” said Isak.

“Don’t call me bro.”

“Whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes. “I can just leave. I’ll go over to Jonas’. You guys can make sweet love or whatever it is that you do, and make up.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said Even

“Hm?”

“We broke up.”

“What?”

“Yeah, just now. I guess it was coming. But yeah, I don’t know,” said Even.

“Whatever, you’ll get back together in a week,” said Isak.

“No, we won’t.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“Because I’m done fucking lying to myself,” said Even.

“Uh, okay,” Isak was confused. “Let’s say you broke up then. Let’s get fucked up!”

.

Isak and Even had lots of whiskey and smoked lots of joints. Isak was drunk, but Even seemed even more far gone.

“So what’s your masterplan to take over Nissen?” said Even.

“I’m going to walk in the first day, start rapping, then all the girls will drop their pants,” said Isak.

Even laughed, that big ‘Even laugh’ that made him weak in the knees.

“The boys, too, probably,” Even teased.

“Shut up.” Isak blushed.

“So how are things with, uh, what’s her name? Anne?” said Even.

“We hooked up like twice. Whatever. No big deal,” said Isak.

“Did you sleep with her?”

“The fuck, Even?”

“What?”

“Why are you asking me this?” said Isak.

“Aren’t ‘bros’ supposed to talk about ‘banging chicks’?” Even mocked him.

“Whatever!”

“So did you? Did you fuck her?”

Isak’s face flushed. Even never pushed his buttons like this.

“No, I didn’t! Happy?!”

“Why not?”

“None of your fucking business!” Isak almost shouted.

“Oh, you sound hurt. She didn’t want you to?”

“Bro, she literally begged me to. What the fuck are you talking about?” said Isak, rolling his eyes.

But then Even was in his face, his fingers digging into his waist.

_Wha-_

“What did I say about calling me ‘bro’?” Even’s voice was low and raspy, and Isak wanted to combust.

Even was towering over him on the couch, smelling like whiskey and weed and Isak's wildest dreams. He couldn’t help but feel aroused.

_Fucking control yourself._

“Why, why does it bother you so much when I call you ‘bro’? You’re so fucking weird,” said Isak.

“Because-” Even leaned in and brushed his nose against Isak’s jaw. “Bros don’t do-” He brought one hand up to Isak’s neck and left the other one on his waist, “what we do."

_Shit. fuck._

Isak grabbed Even by the neck and kissed him. He kissed him deep and hard. He kissed him exactly like he kissed him in all his fantasies and wet dreams. He bit his lower lip and licked into his mouth.

Even sank on top of him on the couch, and Isak wrapped his legs around his waist.

“Shit, fuck, Isak. Dammit.”

“Shut up. Just shut up. We’re just two friends who are drunk and high and who want to kiss each other, okay?”

“Shit, you drive me crazy!” Even breathed into his neck.

Isak tried to forget the fact that Even had literally just broken up with Sonja a few hours prior. But most importantly, he wanted Even to forget about that.

Isak didn’t know what he was doing, but he was now grinding against Even who was moaning into his mouth.

“Shit, baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“I love you so much. Shit.”

Isak grabbed the back of Even’s jeans and pulled him closer between his legs.

“Fuck,” he moaned in the crook of Even’s neck. “Even, please.”

“What? What do you want?”

“Kiss me.”

“I’m kissing you already.”

“Kiss me more.”

Isak pulled his hair and touched him everywhere, _everywhere._

“Isak.”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you fuck her?” Even was grinding against him and kissing his neck.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you fuck Anne? Why didn’t you fuck her? Tell me!”

Isak stopped moaning and took Even’s face between his hands.

“You fucking know why,” Isak panted.

“I want you to tell me. Tell me.”

He kissed him again as Even started unbuttoning Isak’s jeans.

“Because I want you to be my first. Fuck, Even. I want you to be my first!”

.

Even gave him his first blowjob that night.

.

When Isak woke up in the middle of the night, he gathered his things and fled.

He ignored all of Even’s calls, and kept waiting to hear that he got back with Sonja.

But the news never came.

The following week, he texted Even with panic in the pit of his stomach.

.

**Even**

13:12

Need a wingman to pick up chicks at a nissen party this friday

You in?

I’ll be there ;)

* * *

**Now - Sixteen & Eighteen**

Isak and Even were in someone’s indoor pool. He didn’t know whose pool it was, but Even really wanted to swim. So they broke into someone’s house.

“It’s that fucker’s house. What’s his name? Uh, Jakob or something. He went to elementary with me!” said Even.

“I don’t remember him,” said Isak.

“Of course. You don’t remember shit,” Even teased.

“Fuck off!”

Isak pushed him into the pool.

.

They were now kissing in the pool fully clothed, and Isak’s heart was in his throat because they weren’t drunk, they weren’t high, and Even knew how he felt about _boys_.

They weren’t friends who were drunk and high and who wanted to kiss each other. They were just friends who wanted to kiss each other.

So Isak let Even press him against the edge of the pool and kiss him until he could no longer breathe.

When a little girl walked in on them, they quickly left the house through the window and ran in the cold hand in hand.

They only stopped to kiss some more.

“You’re not drunk,” said Isak.

“I’m not.”

“You’re not high.”

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you kissing me?” said Isak.

“Because I fucking want to.”

.

When they reached Even’s house, they took off their wet clothes, and Even joined him in the shower.

“What the fuck?”

“Shh, my mom’s sleeping.”

“Even, I’m naked!”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

They showered together, and Isak ended up on his knees, taking Even into his mouth.

“You don’t have to,” said Even.

“I want to. Teach me.”

.

“Are you gay, too?” said Isak.

“I like everything and everyone, but mostly just you,” said Even, before leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Okay.”

.

Even went out naked in the middle of the night, and Isak had never been that scared in his life.

He roamed the city with Even’s parents. He couldn’t breathe.

He was in the middle of some neighborhood when Even’s mom called him.

“We found him. He’s at the police station. He’s safe.”

Isak let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His chest felt too tight, too small.

“What’s happening? What is wrong with him? What is going on?” he was sobbing on the phone.

“I don’t know, love. You should go home. I’ll call you with updates, okay?”

.

_The universe is mocking me._

It seemed like something had to happen whenever Even and him did anything.

_The one time he wasn’t drunk or high, he had to lose his goddamn mind._

He stumbled into a gay bar, drank his weight in alcohol, and met Eskild.

“Are you okay, kid?”

“I have nowhere to go! I don’t want to go home! Please!”

.

Isak slept in Eskild’s basement, and after a few days, Even’s dad finally called him back.

“Hello Isak. Sorry about Even’s mom not calling you back sooner. She’s not feeling well. Even’s okay. But he’s a bit depressed right now. We just got back from the Doctor’s and he’s been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder or bipolar. This is very tough on us but I thought you’d want to know.”

“What? What does that mean? I thought he had clinical depression. What’s the difference?” said Isak.

“According to the doctor, he can feel really high or really low. We only noticed the lows which is why he got diagnosed with depression. And when he was younger, we attributed his high energy and hyperactivity to ADHD. Basically, it’s tough to diagnose. But we can work through it. You should come see him in a few days.”

.

Isak read about bipolar. He was familiar with depression, but he knew nothing about mania. So he googled it and asked around.

Isak’s memory was the worst, but he sat down and wrote everything he could remember on a piece of paper. He tried remembering dates, big dramatic events, and every single time Even had been depressed for a while. _Manic episodes are often followed by depressive episode._

He created a timeline. He called the boys to confirm, and he even called Sonja.

“Isak, why are you crying?” she said.

“Just answer me, please. Sonja, please! Please!”

He drew hearts on every single time something happened between them because he was sappy, and because Even made him want to draw hearts.

When he was done, Isak looked at his work and cried.

_He doesn’t love me. He was just manic. He crashed after something happened between us every single time. I’m nothing but a fucking symptom._

* * *

**Even**

21:21

I’m sorry I scared you

I’m sorry I hurt you

I knew I was crazy I told you

I’ll be there in the morning

You don’t have to

I know you promised you wouldn’t leave

But it’s ok

I’m your bestfriend

Of course I’ll be there in the morning

I love you

I’ll see you tomorrow

Isak I love you

* * *

Isak stared at his phone and cried.

_No, you don’t._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this wasn't as long but I guess I reached the goal of this chapter.  
> I know I said this would be 3 chapters long but I guess I lied lol. Let's say 5 instead. I just figured that it would be easier for me to make the chapters shorter and upload more often since I won't have time to write 6K on weekdays haha.  
> Hope you liked this <3 Let me know if you did :d <33  
> .  
> Fun fact: this whole teenage angst thing got me so tense today lol. I had to go dig into old conversations from when I was Isak's age to get that feeling. I wanted it to sound real. I don't know. I played myself. Now I have so many feelings L.O.L. and I managed to reopen some old wounds. Wonderful. I miss that time. The uncertainty. The insecurities. The sleepless nights. The feeling of the world ending.  
> I don't know why I'm writing this in the notes lol. If you're reading this, I'm sorry. This universe is hitting close to home I guess. I remember getting phone calls from moms telling me to stay away lmfao. What a shit show.  
> ANYWAYS. Just like Even, I always felt things way too much. I guess it served a purpose. HAHA.  
> *hugs*  
> Leave a comment if you want Even's POV (my fingers are twitching. MUST. WRITE. IT)


	3. Bipolar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If anybody touches you, I'll kill them".  
> The good and the ugly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2AM. I just cried for 2 hours writing this LOL (my playlist is to blame as well). I hope you like it <3  
> I'm answering all comments from the previous chapter asap. Love you guys so much. I'm sorry I'm so busy *hugss*

**Now - Sixteen & Eighteen.**

Isak was on his way to Even’s house. He packed a bag with necessities, practiced what he would say in his head, and stood in front of the door for a good five minutes.

.

He hugged Even’s mom when she opened the door, and he felt her shake in his arms.

“I didn’t realize how tall you’ve gotten, Isak. Look at you,” she said with a sad smile, wiping a single tear that left the corner of her eye.

“How are you?” he asked with a lump in his throat.

“I’m devastated but mostly angry. I can’t believe we failed him twice.”

“They say it’s very hard to diagnose bipolar. It’s not your fault,” said Isak, squeezing her shoulder.

“Thank you,” she said with a genuine smile. “It’s not your fault either.”

.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with more crazy shit in your life,” said Even from under the sheets, not even looking at Isak.

Isak hadn’t uttered a word, yet Even knew it was him who opened the door to his room.

“I’m, I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I didn’t know what was happening, and nobody was picking up my calls or answering the door,” said Isak, still standing by the doorway. “I didn’t know you were at the hospital.”

“I asked mom to keep it from you,” said Even, face still buried into his pillow.

Isak let his backpack fall on the floor and walked to Even’s side of the bed. He sat on the edge and ran his fingers through the older boy’s hair.

“Why did you do that?” he asked with a small voice, trying to hide how much it killed him to see Even in so much pain.

“Didn’t want you to see me like that again.” Even’s voice was filled with hurt and pain, and Isak’s eyes couldn’t help but fill up with tears.

“Like what?” It took him all of his courage but he grabbed Even’s face from where it lay on the pillow and turned his head around so that he could look at him.

Even’s eyes were closed, but his face was red and his eyelashes wet.

“Like what?” Isak repeated.

Even grabbed his hands where they rested on his face and leaned into his touch.

“I couldn’t handle the thought of you watching over me in a hospital bed again. I’m sorry,” said Even, eyes still closed.

“Hey.” Isak put a hand under his neck to cradle his head then climbed into bed with him. He pulled him into his chest, then covered both of them with the sheets.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Isak whispered. “All I want is for you to be okay. How are you?”

“I’m so tired.”

“Then sleep. Let’s just sleep,” said Isak.

“Will you stay?”

“For as long as you need.”

.

“I feel like I’m stuck in a shit movie with a paralyzed director,” said Even.

“Hm?”

“I just want to move the plot forward but I can’t.”

“What are you talking about?” said Isak.

“You know, life’s like a movie. To make things happen, you have to be the director of your own life. But it’s so unfair because I’m so fucked up. It’s like I’m in a big studio and I have no control over the movie I’m supposed to be directing because producers keep butting in. But in reality, it’s just because I’m fucking depressed.”

“That’s bullshit,” said Isak.

“Huh?”

“Everything that’s supposed to happen will happen. The universe is so fucking big. It’s out of all of our control. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself, Even.”

“What?”

“You know it’s kind of nerdy, but I believe in the parallel universes theory,” said Isak.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that right now, there are infinite Isak’s and Even’s in the universe,” said Isak.

“That makes me feel even worse,” said Even.

“Why?”

“Because what if we’re not childhood friends in one of those universes? What if I’m all alone right now? What if I don’t have you?” said Even.

Isak pulled him closer and smiled.

“I always find you. In every universe, I find you and annoy the shit out of you. Happy?”

.

**_Fifteen & Seventeen_ **

_After the ‘getting each other off while high as shit’ incident and the ‘getting back together with Sonja’ incident, Isak tried to keep his distance._

_Even was in Bakka and Isak was still in lower secondary school, so it wasn’t that hard. He ignored Even’s texts and calls and stopped going over to his place._

_He knew Even wouldn’t show up to his house because of his mother. But he didn’t expect him to show up to his school._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“You’re ignoring me,” said Even._

_“I’m not!”_

_._

_Two weeks later Isak woke up to strange texts._

_._

**_Even_ **

_03:23_

_I want to tell you a million things_

_A million and one things_

_But I can’t_

_Please don’t be too sad_

_I wish I wasn’t so fucked up_

_I wish I wasn’t bad for you_

_I’m sorry I hurt you_

_Love you_

_-Even_

_._

_That day, Even tried to commit suicide._

_._

_Isak was in PE class when he got the call. So he didn’t see it until he made it back to the locker room and was changing into regular clothes._

_._

_Isak ran out of school with one shoe, with tears on his face, and with half a heart._

_Jonas yelled after him, but Isak couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear a damn thing but the erratic drumming against his ribcage._

_._

_Even was at the hospital, still unconscious._

_“It could have been worse”, said the doctors._

_Even’s parents were still in shock, and Sonja was crying in the waiting area._

_Mikael was the one who called Isak, and he hugged him the moment he saw him around the corner._

_“What the fuck happened?! What the fuck is going on?!” Isak was crying and everything hurt too much._

_._

_“He’s been so weird lately. He’s been talking about how he can’t stop his thoughts, and how he just wants them to stop. He said stuff about how death is the only way to stop thinking, and I’m so fucking stupid! I’m so stupid! I mean he’s depressed for fuck’s sake! Why wasn’t I fucking thinking?!” Sonja was crying._

_Isak hugged her because she was just as heartbroken as he was._

_“I wasn’t even around. I’m such a fucking prick,” said Isak. “He kept calling me and texting me and I just fucking ignored him.”_

_._

_Sonja and Even’s mom took turns holding him in bed while Isak watched from one of the seats. He wanted to touch him, too. He wanted to touch him so badly._

_He held onto his head instead as it was threatening to split in half from crying so much._

He could have been dead right now. He could have been dead. I could have lost him forever.

_._

_Even woke up while his parents were filling in some paperwork, and while Sonja was out getting them coffee._

_Isak was sitting on a chair beside the bed, looking at Even, finally touching his face. He reached out and brushed his fingers against his cheek._

_He looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Isak stroked his face and felt himself choke up. He figured that Sonja would be back any minute now. So he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips._

Stay with me. Don’t leave me. I don’t care if you don’t love me. I’ll take anything. Just don’t leave me.

_He ran his left hand along Even’s forehead caressing his hair, and held onto Even’s hand with his right._

_._

_When Even opened his eyes, it took him a moment before he bursted out into tears._

_“Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Why?! Why?! Why am I still here?!”_

_There was agony in his voice, and Isak truly wanted to disappear right then and there._

_He didn’t know what to do at Even’s sudden outburst, so he climbed into the bed and wrapped himself around him._

_“It’s okay! Even, it’s okay! It’s going to be okay! You have to be strong! You have to stay with me!”_

_._

_Isak woke up in the middle of the night, still wrapped around Even. His mother was sleeping between two chairs, and Sonja was no longer there._

_._

_Isak stayed until his father came to get him the next day._

_“I’m not leaving him!”_

_“Isak, I understand that he’s your friend. But you need to go to school! You need a shower and a change of clothes. Your mother is worried sick!”_

_“I don’t care! I’m not leaving!”_

_“Isak, don’t act like a child!” said his father._

_“A child? Pappa, he almost died! He was almost gone forever and you want me to worry about freaking school? About mom’s crazy shit?! I know how much she hates him. But I don’t care! He’s everything to me! Everything!”_ _  
_ _._

_“You’re everything to me, too,” said Even in the dead of the night before hugging him tighter._

_“Please don’t leave me again.”_

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m like this.”_

_“Shh.”_

* * *

**Now - Sixteen & Eighteen**

Even was feeling better. He was adjusting to his new meds, but he still wasn’t going to school. The night they broke into the pool and Even left naked, he had written some things on the Bakka Kosegruppa facebook page.

“Everyone knows I’m fucking crazy now,” said Even.

“You’re not crazy!” said Sonja.

“Honestly, Sonja, why are you here? I feel like shit. I treated you like crap. You don’t have to be here for me,” said Even, while Isak watched their exchange silently with anguish in his chest.

_They’re getting back together, I guess._

“I want to be here. Even, we’re friends and we were together for almost three years. Of course, I’ll stick by you,” she said.

Isak felt like he was choking so he excused himself.

“Where are you going?” said Even.

“Uh. I have to call Jonas about some stuff.”

.

Isak lied. He went to Eva’s house and gloated on her bed.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

“Isak, you know you can tell me anything, right? I mean you kept my secret about me hooking up with Chris until I told Jonas myself, so I can keep secrets, too.”

“I’m not keeping score, Eva,” Isak sighed into her pillow.

“So how’s Even?”

“He’s better. They’re adjusting his meds. He still calls himself crazy though,” said Isak.

“And how are you?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine!” It came out as a screech.

“Isak, no offense, but you don’t look fine.”

“Ugh,” Isak threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know. I feel like shit. I should have known better. I mean he was acting pretty up and down, and it never crossed my mind.”

“Isak, you don’t have a degree in psychology.”

“Psychiatry.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind,” said Isak.

“So where is he now?” said Eva.

“With Sonja.”

“What? I thought they broke up?”

“I thought so, too,” said Isak.

Eva looked at him with something like pity in her eyes and he hated it. He hated that she seemed to know. He hated that everybody seemed to just _know._

“What?” he asked.

“Let’s go get fucked up tonight!” she said.

“What?!”

“Come on! Jonas and I just broke up. I feel like shit. I need some action! What do you think?”

.

Isak ended up at a Penetrators party that night. He couldn’t remember a thing. He got too drunk, too high, too everything.

To his surprise, it still hurt. It hurt even more than usual. He thought he’d just turn into a sloppy mess but he turned into a sad sloppy mess instead.

He saw Even’s face in everyone and it drove him crazy. Whenever he caught a glimpse of blond hair, his heart started beating erratically. Whenever he heard a low and raspy voice, his eyes went wide and his breathing became uneven.

So he drank some more and smoked some more, while Eva did the exact same.

He went to the bathroom and started searching through the cabinets.

_I just want to numb this feeling. I just want to stop feeling like this._

Some girl was in the bathroom, too, now. He couldn’t see very well. But she had blond hair.

_This could do. It could? Maybe?_

She was Ingrid’s friend. She had been friends with Eva before all hell broke loose and she got together with Jonas. She was the girl who stared at him at the last party he went to with Even.

Her name was Sara. And she was on her knees in front of him.

_That’s not how you do it. Even wouldn’t do it like that._

Isak let his head fall against the wall.

_Isak, you pathetic fuck._

He closed his eyes and thought of the night Even took him into his mouth. The night they got drunk and high. He thought of his wet eyelashes, his groans, and his big hands holding him in place.

_“Hold still, baby.”_

_“Even! Shit. I’m close!”_

_“Yes, come for me.”_

_“Even, stop!”_

_“No, I want to taste you.”_

_“Fuck!”_

Isak reached his release and Sara looked satisfied with her work. She got up and tried to kiss him on the lips. He let her.

He let her because he was hurting and because he just wanted it to stop.

.

He pressed her against the wall and slipped his hands under her shirt.

He felt nothing but she was moaning. She bit his lower lip and it all felt wrong.

.

He was back between the mass of bodies, and the music was too loud.

Magnus popped out of nowhere and tapped his back.

“Bro, I heard you fucked Sara in the bathroom! What the fuck, Bro? You’re a proper legend now!”

“Where is Even?” he said.

“What?”

“I have to find Even.”

“Isak, Even didn’t come to the party! He’s not drinking, remember?” said Magnus.

“What? What are you talking about?” Isak was drunk, so drunk.

.

**Even**

01:23

why sonjja and nnot me???

Whhy

I just wantn to unederstand

I lovee yiu so mu h

So muhch

Even

I ahte you

I hat eyou

.

Isak was sitting on the pavement, his head falling into his chest.

Even was making him throw up.

“Don’t touch me! Fuck you!” Isak was shouting in the middle of the street.

Even didn’t say anything.

.

Isak was in Even’s bed the next morning, curled against his chest.

“What am I doing here?”

“I brought you here,” said Even.

“Why?”

“Magnus called me and said you were asking for me. I’m your personal servant, remember? I had to oblige.”

Isak started remembering the yelling and the _“Where’s Even!? I’m not leaving until Even is here!”._

“Fuck!”

“I heard you scared her away,” said Even.

“What?”

“The girl you banged in the bathroom.”

_Fuck you._

“Where’s Sonja?” said Isak instead.

“I don’t know. We're not back together.”

They stayed silent for a moment before Even spoke again.

“So how was it?”

“What?” said Isak.

“Did you use a condom? Did you fuck her good?”

Isak threw the sheets off of him and got up.

“Fuck you, Even!”

.

**_Fourteen & Seventeen_ **

_When Isak was fourteen, he got himself a girlfriend named Lisa._

_“Lisa? Lisa from when you were twelve?” said Even._

_“No, what the fuck! Lisa is a pretty common name. And how do you even remember her?” said Isak._

_._

_Even was very nice to Lisa. He was so nice to Lisa, that Isak started thinking that she only spent time with him to actually be around Even. Even who went to Bakka, had a hot girlfriend, and was so tall and so big._

_“Oh so you play guitar?” she said very eagerly._

_“Sometimes,” said Even._

_“Ugh, he sucks at it! It’s so annoying. Sometimes he thinks he’s fucking Bob Dylan and plays for 10 hours straight. Like I don’t know where he gets all this energy! But he still sucks!” said Isak._

_“Aw, but you love it,” said Even, before burying his hand in the younger boy’s hair._

_Lisa looked at them with a curious expression._

_“You guys are very close, aren’t you?”_

_“Uh, why?” said Isak, shoving Even’s hand away._

_“No reason.”_

_Even smiled and complimented her hair while running a hand through Isak’s again. Isak watched her blush at every compliment, barely registering that Even was touching him the entire time._

Pfft. He’s just nice. He doesn’t mean these compliments!

_He couldn’t sleep that night when he realized that he was jealous of Lisa when he was supposed to be jealous of Even._

_He couldn’t sleep._

_._

_When Isak broke up with Lisa, she asked him why with a clenched fist._

_“I’m in love with someone else.”_

_“Even?”_

Yes.

_“No, what the fuck?”_

_._

_“I can’t believe I complimented her hair only for you to break up with her,” said Even._

_“Whatever.”_

_“I didn’t mean that stuff about her hair. You know that, right? I’m only ever dedicated to yours.”_

_“Fuck off.”_

_“I’m glad you broke up with her though,” said Even._

_“Why?”_

_“Cause you’re mine,” he teased him with a smile larger than life._

Fuck you.

_“You’re such a homo sometimes, Even,” he said instead._

_Even laughed the entire way back home._

* * *

**Now - Sixteen & Nineteen**

After the Sara incident, things became very weird between Isak and Even. He was still angry at him for pushing him like that.

But at the same time, he always felt terrible when he ignored his texts.

_Why can’t I just be angry?_

**Even**

I didn’t fuck her

I know

<3

i'm sorry for being such a dick

.

Isak forgave him. Of course he did. Even was back to being everywhere and to being everything.

Even was always doing something weird. He was drawing a lot, and talking about the universe, and texting him at odd hours, and just being Even.

_Is he manic?_

.

**Even**

04:13

I don’t wanna be your friend

I just wanna be your lover

No matter how it ends

No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards

And i’ll do mine

Forget about your house of cards

And i’ll do mine

And fall off the table

Get swept under

Denial, denial

07:43

Radiohead?

Interesting

Shouldnt you be sleeping at 4am instead of harassing me? :)

Your ears are burning

Denial, denial

Your ears should be burning

Denial, denial

mmmmkay

.

Isak was caught up in everything Even that he wasn’t there when the Yakuza boys jumped Jonas and some other boys at a party.

.

**Even**

12:12

Isak I just got Mad Max on bluray! Wanna come over later?

14:32

[ ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CscWKpWWYAE-DrW.jpg)

14:33

 

 

 

 

 

Gavin memes like the good ol’ days

 Shut up

What are you doing later?

Scheming

?

The yakuza fuckers jumped jonas last weekend

We’re getting back at them

????

Yakuza?? Those fuckers are violent!

And who’s ‘we’?

I talked to the penetrator guys

The PENETRATORS?

Isak are you serious?

Whatever! I know you hate violence

and shit but it’s for Jonas

* * *

**Thirteen & Fifteen**

_When Isak was thirteen, he got into some fights with boys from another school. It wasn’t just him. It was an entire group from his grade, including Jonas._

_He had just started talking to Even again. But he brought it up one day._

_“What are you doing after school today?” said Even._

_“We’re fighting these guys.”_

_“What?”_

_“Yeah, they won’t leave Markus alone, so the other boys are going together to their school,” said Isak._

_“What the hell? That’s so stupid. Why do_ **_you_ ** _have to fight?”_

_“What do you mean? They’re my friends and I’m a boy! I have to fight, too!” said Isak._

_._

_Isak was walking home with some boys from his grade, Even, and some other people he didn’t particularly care about when he saw some boys from the other school around the corner. They were older and bigger in number, too._

Shit.

_Isak clenched his fist and got ready to fight. But Even took his hand instead and started running in the opposite direction._

_“What are you doing?!” said Isak._

_“We’re fleeing!” said Even._

_“What?! No!”_

_“Yes, we are!” Even was smiling, so Isak started smiling, too._

_Even clasped their hands together even tighter and dragged him away from everyone._

_“Oh my god, you’re such a pussy, Even!” Isak shouted._

_“Don’t say shit like that! It’s very ignorant and offensive to the female gender!” said Even, still running, still holding his hand._

_“Why are you such a nerd?” Isak was out of breath, but he was so happy._

_“Why are you so cute?”_

_._

_When they got to Isak’s house, they were still holding hands._

_“Uh, so that was weird!” said Isak, disentangling his fingers nervously._

_“Why?”_

_“Everybody’s gonna give me shit tomorrow because of you!”_

_“Just tell them I’m too scared and can’t handle violence so you dragged me away to safety,” said Even._

_“Pfft, what would you have done if they had actually surrounded us? I bet you would have hidden behind me. And I would have gotten kicked,” said Isak._

_“Never! I’d never let you get hurt,” said Even._

_“Yeah right,” Isak rolled his eyes._

_“Isak, if anyone touches you, I’ll kill them.”_

* * *

**Now - Sixteen & Nineteen**

Everything happened too fast. The Penetrators had left their bus, and the Yakuza boys were about to start throwing punches. Isak could see Eva and her new friends in the distance.

Jonas was trying to mitigate the fight while Isak watched everything unravel in slow motion.

_Shit. Shit this will not end well._

Isak was barely registering what was happening when William smashed a bottle on one of the guys’ head.

There was a moment of silence before all hell broke loose.

Before he knew it, he was getting punched, too.

_Ouch._

It didn’t hurt, probably because he wasn’t feeling anything at all. Jonas jumped on the guy’s back, trying to pull him away. So Isak got off the ground and shoved the guy’s chest, hard, then punched him right back.

Isak didn’t like to get physical, but whatever. He was bleeding and this guy had hurt Jonas before.

.

Isak had no idea how Even found them, what he had seen, or what was happening.

All he knew was that Even was now straddling the guy who had punched Isak in the teeth, and that he was about to pop his eyes out of his head. He was choking him.

“Even! Even, bro! What the fuck are you doing?!” Jonas yelled.

Isak just stared, too stunned, too everything.

He had never seen Even looking so cruel, so violent, so ‘not Even’.

The penetrators had left the moment William smashed the bottle, so it was just some Yakuza boys, Jonas, Isak, and Even. Even who refused to let go of the boy’s neck.

“Don’t you fucking touch him! How dare you touch him? How dare you fucking touch him! I will kill you. I will kill you if you go near him again! Do you hear me!?”

Even’s eyes were too wide and dark, and his voice was too high. He was speaking fast, so fast, and repeating himself every two words.

Jonas was trying to get him off the Yakuza boy, but in vain. The guy looked genuinely scared, and Isak knew exactly what was happening.

_Of course._

He shoved Jonas away, fell on his knees behind Even, pressed his chest against his back, and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Even! Even!” he whispered into his ear. “Even, it’s me. Even, it’s Isak. Please stop! Please!”

Even was still pressing his fingers into the boy’s skin.

“Even, you’re scaring me! Please!” It came out like a sob, and Even stopped almost immediately after that.

.

The police took Even and the guy who had gotten smashed in the head with the bottle.

“It wasn’t him! It wasn’t him! He didn’t do it! I swear! Jonas, please?! Guys! It wasn’t Even!” Isak was now begging the Yakuza boys to say something, too. But they were too stunned, too shocked.

“Dude, he tried to kill him.”

.

**Even**

22:03

Where is he

The man who was just like me

I heard he was hiding

Somewhere i can’t see

Where is he

The man who was just like me

I heard he was hiding

Somewhere i can’t see

And i’m alone

I realize that when i get home

I wanna go through my red and my cherry

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

I love you

.

A few weeks later, Even’s mom called Isak to tell him they were moving to Trondheim.

“What?!”

“Even’s not doing well. It’s better for him to start over,” she said. “I’m sorry, love.”

“What about school? It’s March! What about his life here? What about-”

_What about me?!_

.

**Even**

20:34

Come outside

20:48

Please

20:56

Isak I can’t leave without saying goodbye

.

Isak opened the door. And although he promised himself he wouldn’t cry, he couldn’t stop the hot tears spilling from his eyes. He wiped them aggressively with his sleeves, but it was too late.

“Please, don’t cry.”

“Fuck you! Just fuck you!”

They were in front of Eva’s house. Her mother wasn’t there and she was with Chris Schistad for the night.

So Isak grabbed Even by the neck and pulled him into a kiss so desperate that it felt like a sob.

His stomach was in knots and his heart was broken into pieces. It hurt so much, but it felt so good.

Even locked his arms around his waist and pushed him against the door. Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck and pulled his hair.

Isak was broken and hurting so much, but it didn’t matter at that moment. Because Even was kissing him so passionately that he felt it in his bones. He kissed him like he meant it. He kissed him like he was fishing for something inside his soul, like he was memorizing the way his breathing hitched when his tongue flicked a certain way inside his mouth. He kissed him like the world was ending, like the stars were about to fall off the sky. He kissed him like his chest was on fire. He kissed him like he couldn’t breathe.

He kissed him like it was the last time.

.

Even only stopped because Isak was sobbing. He was crying, too.

“Don’t leave me!”

“Baby, I have to.” Even cupped his face.

“I’m not a fucking baby!”

“Yes, you are. You’re my baby.”

“What am I going to do? Even, what am I going to do? Tell me, please!?”

“You’re going to live your life and you’re going to love it. You’re going to enjoy every second with no crazy fucking shit falling on you every day. That’s what you’re going to do.”

Isak brought his hands to Even’s where they rested on his face.

“I’m going to fucking die without you.”

“No, you won’t,” said Even. “You’re strong and fucking amazing. You’re going to do great things! I will always cheer for you!”

“I fucking hate you!” Isak cried.

“And I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve always been and I always will be.”

Isak kissed him again, all tears and tongue and empty promises.

They held each other until Even’s father’s car parked in front of them.

Isak didn’t want to let go, so he held on a little longer. He didn’t care who saw. He just didn’t care.

.

**Even**

21:21

In another universe we’re together for all eternity.

Remember that.

I love you. Even

 

* * *

**August - 5 Months later.**

**Kollektivet**

08:20

Eskild: Good luck with your first day of school today baby jesus!

Noora: Wish i could be there :(

Eskild: How’s London?

Noora: It’s great! :)

Eskild: How’s William?

Noora: Good!

Linn: Can you talk in a private chat? I’m trying to sleep and my phone keeps buzzing because of you two

Eskild: Just put it on silent then!

Linn: I can hear your phone and Isak’s phone buzzing too

Eskild: ugh Linn! This is to wish Isak a happy first day! He’s a second year now :p

Eskild: Isak?

I’m here

Whatever

It’s just school

Stop spamming me

Eskild: so grumpy

Eskild: is that how you thank me for housing you and nursing you

bye

.

Isak was a second year at Nissen now. Or at least it was his first day being one. He didn’t laugh anymore. He didn’t sing anymore. He lived in a kollektiv. He didn’t talk to his parents. He barely had any friends -- three to be exact: Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi. Sometimes Eva, too. But she was very busy with the girls.

Isak was a shell of who he used to be. And he didn’t give a _damn._

He went to parties, and kissed girls, and got as high as he could.

_“If I get high enough, will I see you again?”_

Nothing could mend his broken heart. Nothing.

.

Isak had barely made it through his first class, that he already missed summer vacation and doing nothing all day.

Around 10:30, he was grabbing some awful pastry at the cafeteria and coffee when his phone started buzzing with cryptic texts.

.

**Eva**

10:32

Isak are you okay????

Wtf

yeah? why?

.

 

**Jonas**

10:34

Bro

what?

You didnt tell me?

Wtf?

.

**Even**

10:37

Look up

.

 

Isak spilled coffee all over himself.

Even was sitting on the table opposite of him, his legs propped up, his hair styled to perfection, and his eyes boring into Isak’s.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim, third year transfer.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.  
> It's funny how childhood!AU often rhymes with fluff and cuteness, but it's my angstiest yet? Maybe? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because so much is packed into every chapter and because of the pacing? I don't know? I gave myself heart palpitations writing this. But I felt like it was important to go over this stuff. Getting diagnosed is so SO difficult, and I'm sure it took Even some time to understand his condition, to find himself, to accept himself, and to cope with everything.  
> I felt like it was important for them to be apart as well. Co-dependent relationships aren't always fun.  
> Leave a comment if you felt something <3333333  
> .  
> Your wonderful asks and comments honestly make my days.  
> I can't believe I originally planned for this to be 3 chapters. oops.  
> What did you think of the tie-in with canon. Kind of nervous about that.  
> Also I really wanted Isak to end up in Kollektivet anyways. He needs some guru coaching.  
> .  
> PS: Have you ever felt something so intensely that it felt like the world was ending?


	4. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misunderstandings and feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys <3 This is long overdue, sorry. Having a crazy week at work.  
> I'm answering all comments and reviews. I love you guys sO MUCH. You make me so happy <3  
> PS: YAS to Isak/Even crushing Stydia in the E!onlinepoll Hahahaa <3

**Now - Seventeen & Nineteen**

_Look up._

Isak couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t look away. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

_Am I fucking delusional now?_

But Even’s smile quickly turned into a concerned frown, and he knew. Isak just knew.

_It’s really fucking Even._

Isak got up from his seat in panic. And when Even did the same, he looked at his phone and started typing.

* * *

 

**Jonas**

10:39

Where ar you

are

I didnt know either

* * *

Isak stopped because Even was walking towards him and he didn’t know what to do. He considered just shoving past him. He considered running away. He considered staying put, flashing him a smile, and asking him how he was doing. But he knew he would probably end up having an outburst in all three scenarios.

He clutched his phone and stared at the black screen.

_Do something. Fuck. Fucking run or something._

But Even was in his face.

“Hello,” said Even.

_Fuck, I missed your voice._

“Hello,” said Isak, his voice small and hesitant, his heart beating uncontrollably in his chest.

Even stared at his face, then at the coffee.

“You drink coffee now?” said Even with a smile.

“I know right?” Isak joked right back.

They both smiled before Isak remembered why everything hurt so much.

“Uh, I-”

“I have to go,” Isak interrupted him.

He pushed past him and made it out of the cafeteria.

Even followed him. Of course, he did.

_I can’t do this right now._

An arm suddenly wrapped around his shoulders. And Isak was about to cause a scene before he realized who it belonged to.

“Bro, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Where were you?” said Mahdi.

Isak was stunned and slightly disappointed. He hoped Mahdi couldn’t tell that he was about to fall apart.

“I, uh,” Isak stuttered.

Even was right behind them. Isak could feel his eyes on him.

“Come on we’re late for physics,” said Mahdi, dragging him away.

.

“Thanks,” said Isak.

“Anytime bro,” said Mahdi.

* * *

**Months Earlier - April**

Isak rarely heard from Even. He blocked his number the first couple of weeks and Even had deleted all his social media accounts.

Isak got drunk a few weeks after Even left, and ended up unblocking his number.

**Even**

01:23

I miss you so much

07:24

I miss you too baby

* * *

They started talking every once in a while after that about everything and nothing. Even would send him pictures and memes, and Isak would respond with something funny.

They only sent texts. They never called or skyped. Isak wondered if Even still looked the same, if he grew even taller, if his voice sounded different.

Sometimes in the dead of the night, he panicked and thought that he couldn’t recall Even’s face. It was silly and stupid. But he couldn’t help it.

He wondered if Even was doing well, if his meds were good to him, if he was getting enough sleep, if he had made any friends.

_Of course he did. He’s fucking magnetic._

But he never asked those questions. He only ever initiated conversations when he was drunk or high.

* * *

**May 8th**

**Even**

22:35

Hey

Hi

How are you

Im fine

You?

Im good

what’s up?

I miss you so much i can’t fucking breathe

* * *

Isak stared at the text, not knowing what to do.

He didn’t reply. He left his new home, Eskild’s basement, and went out for walk.

He walked until he got to Even’s old house.

_Why am I here._

It hurt too much.

He pulled out his phone and typed with tears in his eyes.

* * *

 

**Even**

23:03

I’m in front of your old house right now

I fucking hate you

I think you broke me

I think I broke me too

* * *

**May 20th**

**Even**

14:45

Hey

How are you

Annoyed

Why :/

Mahdi keeps getting mad at me for bailing

I have exams i cant just party all the fucking time

Boring

Excuse me??

I thought i was supposed to be the lame one

Haha

Shut up <3

<333333333

* * *

**June 4th**

**Even**

22:27

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV2njSYuXo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV2njSYuXo)

Radiohead again -__-

I am still with you  
Because there are no others  
You’re all I need  
You’re all I need  
I’m lying in the middle of your picture  
Lying in the leaves  
It's all wrong  
It's all right  
It's all wrong  
It's all wrong  
It's all right  
It's all wrong  
It's all wrong  
It's all right  
It's all wrong  
It's all right

* * *

**June 14th**

**Even**

02:45

Howa re you??

Do you ue sleep well?/

Diid you wifnd somebodyye new?

find

08:32

<3

* * *

**June 21st**

**Even**

21:21

Happy birthday baby <3

I’m in Reine right now. It’s so beautiful. You’d love it.

I want to enjoy it. I want to. But I can’t. I miss you so much. I see bits of you everywhere. Everything reminds me of you. Every song, every film, every sunrise, every sunset. I guess that’s what happens when you move away from the one person that occupied all your thoughts for 13 years.

I can’t get over what i did to you, to us. I meant everything, every word, every touch. I hope you know that at least.

I hope you’re healthy and happy and safe. Just thinking about you makes me so happy. I hope you’re out there making other people happy, too.

I love you forever. Even.

* * *

“What’s wrong?” said Eva.

“Nothing,” Isak shoved his phone in his back pocket ran a hand over his face.

“You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“I’m fine.”

“You better be! I’m hosting your birthday party and you have guests to entertain,” said Eva.

“This whole thing was your idea! I don’t give a shit about a stupid birthday party!” said Isak.

“You really need to get laid bro. You’re too fucking grumpy for your own good,” said Mahdi.

“I second that,” said Eva.

.

Isak didn’t have the energy to smile or pretend to be fine.

_“I meant everything.”_ _Then why was I never enough for you?_

.

“Isak. What’s wrong?” said Magnus.

“Nothing! Why the fuck is everyone asking me this? I’m fucking wonderful! Leave me alone!” Isak yelled before storming away.

.

The party got too big, and Isak had no idea who half of the people were. So he drank, and drank, and drank some more.

_Whatever._

“So whose birthday is it exactly?” asked a girl with long blond hair.

“Some 1st year Nissen kid,” said some guy.

Isak was sitting next to them by the stairs, still reading and rereading the text.

“What’s his name? I just don’t want to look stupid if someone asks me who invited me,” said the blonde.

“Nobody gives a fuck, Mari. I can’t remember the kid’s name but he used to know Even,” said the guy.

Isak’s eyes immediately shot up.

“Even? Crazy third year Even?”

_Fucking Bakka assholes._

“The one and only,” said the guy before bringing his palm to his head as if he had just remembered the most important thing. “Oh my god! Remember when he beat up that Yakuza dude? Apparently, he did it for the birthday guy.”

“What? What do you mean _for_ him?” said the girl.

“I don’t know. But he was like ‘don’t touch my boyfriend’ or some shit. I wasn’t there but Carl knows someone who was. I couldn’t believe it when he told me. Like imagine being crazy and a fag! Like shit, what kind of life?”

“Wait what?! I thought he was with Sonja?” said the girl.

“I don’t know. I guess the Nissen twink sucks some mad dick. But Even’s fucking crazy, so-”

The guy didn’t get to finish his sentence because Isak had just shoved him in the chest so hard that he fell to the floor.

“He’s not fucking crazy you fucking piece of shit! He’s sick! Fuck you!” said Isak.

“Who the fuck are you?!” said the guy.

“I’m the fucking Nissen twink who’s about to break your fucking face!”

.

Isak was blinded by rage. He was dizzy from all the alcohol in his system. His emotions were heightened, and his heart was beating too fast.

He wanted to punch the guy. He really did. But Mahdi’s grip was too strong.

.

“What the fuck, man?” said Mahdi once they were outside the house.

Isak shoved him.

“Leave me the fuck alone!” said Isak.

“Dude, what the fuck is your problem? I know I’ve only known you for a few weeks but you need to fucking chill!”

Isak glared at him for a few seconds before walking away.

“If something happens to you man, Jonas will fucking kill me!” Mahdi yelled behind him.

_I’m not a fucking baby!_

Isak had barely reached the corner of the street when he fell on his knees.

“Isak? Did you just fall? What the hell?” Mahdi caught up with him.

Isak was so drunk and so exhausted, so he cried.

“Are you fucking crying right now?!” Mahdi all but yelled.

.

Mahdi wouldn’t leave him alone.

_I just want to call Even!_

“I just have to call someone! I won’t fucking die! Leave me alone,” said Isak.

“Bro, no offense but I’m not going back into the house without you. You look like you’ll end the night in jail.”

_Fuck it._

Isak pulled out the phone from his pocket and dialed Even’s number.

It rang for a long time.

_It’s barely 23:00, he’s still up._

Isak was about to hang up when someone answered the call.

“Even?! Even, it’s me! Even, I miss you!”

“Uh, hi. Is this Isak?” said a voice he had never heard before and which definitely belonged to a girl. “Even is in the shower right now. Do you want me to ask him to call you back? Happy birthday by the way!”

“Who the fuck is this?” said Isak.

“Uh. I’m Amalie. Even said you tend to swear a lot, ha ha.”

Isak threw his phone on the ground.

“Dude what kind of fucking teenage bullshit is this? Who breaks their fucking iPhone 6?”

.

“Why is Even begging me to hand over the phone to you?” said Jonas.

“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged.

“Isak.”

“What?”

“Does this have anything to do with you breaking your phone like some fucking drama queen?” said Jonas.

“Whatever.”

.

Isak didn’t talk to Even for two whole months. He didn’t answer his calls, his messages, his letters ( _fucking letters Even?)_. He ignored everyone’s pleas.

“He says he just wants to talk,” said Eva.

“Not fucking interested.”

“Isak.”

“Do you have any idea what it felt like being his little side project for fucking years?

Do you know what it feels like watching the person you love so much you’d let them break your heart a million times kissing someone else? Do you know that fucking feeling, Eva? Because I honestly don’t ever want to feel it again!”

Isak paused then realized that he had just admitted his feelings out loud.

“Fuck.”

“It’s okay,” Eva hugged him. “It’s okay.”

* * *

**Now - Seventeen & Nineteen**

“How was your first day my little godchild?” said Eskild the moment Isak entered the apartment.

Isak didn’t answer. He went straight to his room and closed the door instead.

.

“What’s wrong?” said Eskild, leaning against the doorframe.

“Nothing.”

“Isak, you look kinda sad. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Eskild, I don’t need babysitting. I’m fine!”

“Did something happen with your parents?”

“No! Just. Just leave me alone! For fuck’s sake, Eskild! Is it a gay thing?! That need for you to always fucking know everyone’s business? Do you enjoy the gossip? I’m not fucking Kim Kardashian! I don’t need you to know everything happening in my life!”

.

Isak felt bad. Eskild was just trying to help. And he lashed out.

.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell,” said Isak, standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

“It’s fine, Isak. Whatever,” said Eskild, his back turned to him.

“Uh, Eskild?”

“What?”

“He’s back.”

“Who?”

“Even.”

“Who’s Even?”

“I don’t know.”

“What the fuck, Isak.”

“No, I mean. I don’t know what he is. Like to me and stuff,” Isak started looking at the floor.

“Okay,” Eskild turned around to face him. “Your guru is listening.”

.

“I guess we had a thing? I don’t know,” said Isak. “Or I guess I had a thing for him and I became a symptom to him, sort of.”

Eskild offered him a sad smile.

“You don’t look surprised,” said Isak.

“Isak, I found you at 2 in the morning in a gay bar.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know it was a gay bar! And I’m not like gay, gay,” said Isak.

“What do you mean?”

Isak was about to go on a tangent about mascara and Kim Kardashian, but for some reason he could picture Even telling him that it was ignorant and hurtful and a “harmful generalization”. He sighed.

“Nothing. I’m gay, gay. I guess,” said Isak.

.

“I don’t think you’re a symptom, Isak. Unless you’re your very own illness. You’ve known each other your whole lives. You’re not a symptom,” said Eskild.

“I am though.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” said Isak.

“You’re not being fair.”

“Huh?”

“Have you ever asked him how he feels?” said Eskild.

“Uh, why would I do that?”

“I don’t know? Because it’s HIS feelings we’re talking about?” said Eskild.

“I don’t need to ask him. Just a couple of months ago he sent me this crazy fucking text about how much he missed me and how he loves me and shit. And when I called him, he was fucking some girl.”

“Wait? He actually picked up while fucking some girl?” said Eskild.

“No! No, jesus! She answered the phone and said he was in the shower.”

“Isak. That doesn’t mean they were fucking.”

“It was almost midnight!”

“That means nothing, Isak!”

Isak didn’t know what to say.

“Please don’t tell me you stopped talking to him because of this,” said Eskild.

_Only you can feel what you feel._

“Fuck me,” Isak mumbled.

“Misunderstandings!” Eskild sighed dramatically. “Oh! Teenage love!”

“Shut up, Eskild!”

Eskild laughed.

“But in all seriousness. From what you told me, it sounds like you always do what he wants to do. You’re always following.”

“That’s not true!” Isak shouted, blushing.

“I’m not talking about sex positions, Isak. Relax! I’m just saying that you need to look out for yourself. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to not want to be that guy anymore, even if he means well. You could just go back to being friends.”

_But what if I want to be that guy._

“I don't think I can be just friends with him anymore,” said Isak.

Eskild sighed.

“At least play hard to get. If he loves you, he'll fight for you. But don't fuck with his head either. Don't manipulate him emotionally. He sounds very fragile.”

"But what about me! I'm fragile, too!"

.

“Have you two ever, uh?” asked Eskild.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you do sexual things?”

“What the fuck!” Isak’s face flushed. “I’m not discussing that with you!”

“Are you gonna sleep with him?”

“Eskild! What the fuck!”

“I just need to look out for you! You’re like my gay godchild kitten!” said Eskild.

“Fuck off! And I don’t even talk to him. I literally blew him off today. I don’t know what to say,” said Isak.

“Just don’t sleep with him until you’re sure.”

“Sure of what?”

“That he won’t hurt you again.”

* * *

**Ten & Twelve**

When Isak was ten, he started finding weird notes in his backpack and jackets from time to time.

_Hi <3 Have a good day. - Your secret admirer. _

_I like your shirt today._

_Be my valentine?_

_I like it when you tie your hair_

_I like it when you don’t tie your hair too_

_Have a good weekend <3 _

“I can’t believe you have a secret admirer! She must be blind,” said Jonas.

“Shut up, Jonas,” said Isak.

“It’s weird. How does this girl put things in your bag? You always have your bag with you,” said Jonas.

“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged.

“Maybe this person is in your class?” said Even.

“I don’t know. I think Erik is pranking me,” said Isak.

“What? Why do you think that?” said Even.

“Cause he’s ugly. Also because he beat Erik at football the other day. He was very angry,” said Jonas.

“Isak is not ugly,” said Even.

“Yeah, well he looks like a girl!” said Jonas.

“I don’t look like a girl!” Isak pushed Jonas.

“Ouch! I’m joking!” said Jonas.

“Isak, I’m sure people have crushes on you,” said Even.

“Whatever. I don’t care.”

Isak cared. And he started carrying his bag everywhere with him. But the notes still somehow made it there by the end of the day.

“I don’t understand!” Isak sighed in frustration.

“Maybe it’s an invisible person,” said Even.

“Shut up.”

“Maybe that person is visible but you just don’t see them,” said Even.

“Why do you always say weird things?”

“It’s not weird. Just think about it.”

.

Isak was about to go confront Erik when Even stopped him.

“What?”

“Check your bag,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“Just do it.”

Inside his bag was a note.

.

_It’s Even <3 _

_._

Isak didn’t talk to him for days.

.

“I can’t believe you pulled a prank on me!” Isak shouted.

“It wasn’t a prank.”

* * *

**Now - Seventeen & Nineteen**

Even was everywhere. Whenever Isak turned around a corner, he could feel him staring.

“Have you talked to Even yet?” said Jonas.

“No,” said Isak.

“Why aren’t you talking again? I’m confused,” said Magnus.

.

Isak didn’t know why Even wasn’t ambushing him. It was so unlike him. He just stared at him from a distance and maintained eye contact when Isak would catch him looking.

.

Isak opened his locker on Thursday and found a note.

_Miss you. Take all the time you need. I’ll wait._ _  
_ _-Even_

.

_Play hard to get._

_._

The notes became a thing.

**Friday** \- _Snapbacks really?_

**Monday** _\- What’s with the teacher with the nipples? Why does nobody say anything about it in this school?_

**Tuesday** _**-** Are we even still friends? _

**Wednesday** \- _Meet me at KB after school?_

**Thursday** _\- Do you even read these? Leave the sticker I put in this note on your locker if you do. I just want to know._

**Friday** _\- :’) <3 _

**Monday** _\- Take 2: Meet me at KB after school?_ _  
_ _PS: I feel like we’re back in elementary <3 _

**Tuesday** _\- Ok I’m gonna assume you hate KB, not me_

**Wednesday** \- _Leave the sticker I put in this note on your locker if you want me to come talk to you_

**Thursday** \- _Ouch.  
_ _Can we start over?_

**Friday** \- _Hi <3\. Have a good day. _

_Y_ _our secret admirer._

.

It was Friday and Isak was on his phone making plans with the boys for the night about to get on the tram.

_“This is line 12 via Grunerlokka and Torshov to Disen.”_

He had to get beer. The boys always made him ask Eskild.

He was texting him when a very familiar voice sent shivers down his spine.

“Hello,” said Even.

Isak’s eyes shot up and he could feel his heart bursting into flames in his chest.

_Fuck._

“Uh, hi.”

_Be chill._

He got back to his phone, trying to ignore how Even was staring at him with a smile.

“Cool chat,” said Even. His smile was blinding.

_It’s so unfair._

Isak smiled back.

“I’m Even, by the way,” said Even, extending a hand.

_What kind of lame shit is this._

“What are you doing?” said Isak.

“I’m introducing myself.”

“Even, seriously.”

“Yes, that's my name. I’m a third year. Just transferred to Nissen,” said Even.

Isak sighed. “This is stupid.”

Even looked hurt and the silence was too much.

.

“You’re a third year. So you’re eighteen? Can you buy me some beer?” said Isak.

_Play hard to get, my ass._

.

“I forgot my ID at home. You’re coming?”

.

There he was in Even’s old apartment. He wanted to say that he thought they had sold it. But then he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to know that, that they were playing a game.

.

“I just moved back from Trondheim, but I used to go to Bakka,” said Even, propped on the window sill.

“What happened?”

“I didn’t know who I was anymore. I hated myself. I caused too much shit. I had to leave and find myself,” said Even.

“That’s a weird thing to say to a stranger,” said Isak.

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life,” said Even.

Isak smiled on the opposite end of the window sill.

_I missed you so much._

“Why did you come back?”

“Because I’m in a better place in my head,” said Even.

“Good. That’s nice,” Isak meant it.

“I also need to make things right with someone,” said Even.

“Someone?”

“Yeah. The love of my life.”

Isak couldn’t breathe.

.

“So what do we do now?” said Isak.

“Now we eat. I’m starving.”

.

Isak was sitting on the kitchen counter, texting the boys and coming up with excuses for ditching.

“Chili?”

“Chili. Always chili.”

Even was making them cheese toasties. Isak already knew they were going to taste terrible.

Even brushed against him to get plates, and Isak followed him with his eyes.

Isak had always denied himself glances when it came to Even. He always looked away when their eyes locked.

_Not anymore._

Even smiled every time he met Isak’s eyes. He looked so beautiful.

_I missed you so much._

Isak’s heart started clenching. His chest started hurting. His lungs started collapsing. That all too familiar feeling. The longing. The aching. It was all back. All of it at the same time. Isak wanted to cry.

_What are we doing? What the fuck are we doing? Fuck. You’re here. You’re back. You’re here. I can touch you._

Isak drank him in. He didn’t realize just how much he had missed him until they were mere breaths away.

Isak had been so busy being angry and trying to stop himself from crying and latching onto the older boy, that he forgot how he would have given up the entire world to be near him again.

It was all too much. His body tensed up and he couldn’t breathe. He put his phone on the counter and held onto the edge with his fingers so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Even brushed against him again, and when he looked at Isak he knew.

His smile was suddenly gone, too.

Isak could feel tears in his eyes.

Even was still looking at him, his eyes watering too.

“Baby,”

Isak opened up his legs and pulled him into a kiss so desperate that he felt the ground crumbling beneath them. His mind went blank the first few seconds and he couldn’t remember a damn thing.

But Even’s hands were now roaming his lower back and he was groaning against his lips. So Isak parted his lips some more and pushed his tongue inside Even’s mouth.

He moaned. He moaned because he could, and because it was all too much. He threaded his fingers through Even’s hair and pulled. He pulled and yanked and took and took and took.

“I missed you so much. I missed you so fucking much,” he panted while Even kissed his neck before going back to his mouth.

“I feel like I’m fucking dreaming. Isak, am I dreaming?”

“Shut up.”

Isak kissed him again, his hands making their way to Even’s back pockets and pulling him between his legs, making him gasp.

“Isak, I-”

“No. Stop talking,” Isak took his bottom lip between his and kissed him some more.

But Even was hesitant now. He wasn’t pushing anymore.

“Isak, did you-, have you- Baby, wait. Wait!”

“What? What?!”  

But then it hit him. He could hear himself break again.

“Did I what? Did I what, Even?!”

Even looked at him with swollen red lips and a heaving chest. He was unreadable.

_When the fuck are you gonna stop fucking with my head?_

“Did I what, you fucking asshole!?” Isak was crying.

_Great._

“Isak..”

“Say it, Even! Did I what? Did I fuck someone while you were gone? Did I let some guy fuck me when you fucking left me? Is that what you want to know? After all this fucking time, that’s the first question you have for me?!”

“Isak, no. Oh my god, no!”

“Fuck you! I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking following you here. Shit, Eskild was right.” Isak hopped off the counter, shoved his phone in his back pocket and headed for the door.

Even tried to hold onto his wrist, but Isak shoved him.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Isak, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean, Even? Do you have any idea what kind of hell I went through when you left? I was literally homeless! I lived in a fucking basement! My parents are officially divorced and I have to beg my fucking dad for rent money. And mom? Mom doesn’t even recognize me these days! I live in a kollektiv. It’s not bad, but it’s not home. Everything’s fucked and you weren’t there! You weren’t there but you still managed to fuck me up one text at a time. How dare you send me that text on my birthday and then fuck some girl? You’re so fucking cruel Even! I know you don’t always control how you feel, but when will you stop breaking my heart? Just when? I'm so tired. I know I'm a little shit but I don't deserve this. And you fucking know. You know how much I love you. You know I'd do anything for you. I’ve loved you ever since you took my first kiss, probably even before that. But you just always took and took and then fucking dismissed me like I was garbage. I hate you for making me feel like shit. I hate you for always giving me hope only to crush me afterwards! I won’t do this! I won’t be your little side project anymore Even. The love of your life? How fucking dare you? I’m pouring my heart out to you, and all you’re worrying about is whether I fucking lost my virginity to someone!? Why? Cause you won’t want me anymore? Is that what this is? I’m your little lifetime project? You want to claim all my first times? Like what kind of fucking cruel shit! I wish you had fucked me before you left! I wish you had, that way I could have moved on with my fucking life instead of dreaming of the day I finally get to feel you inside me!”

.

Isak cried on his way back home. He cried because he was hurting and because he hurt Even, too. He didn’t mean half of it. He probably didn’t mean any of it.

Even cried silently the entire time and didn’t even try to hold him back. Even never cried.  _I hurt him._

.

Isak went home, showered, watched an episode of Narcos, then pulled out his phone.

* * *

**Even**

23:34

I’m sorry

I’m sorry too

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to dismiss you

I never meant to make you feel like shit

You’re everything

I’m sorry

I love you

I love you too

Goodnight

I never fucked some girl on your birthday

Amalie is my friend from the doctor’s

We traveled together to Reine with some other people

She’s gay af

I never fucked anyone while i was gone

I never fucked anyone ever

* * *

**Fourteen & Sixteen**

Isak was nervous. He wanted to ask Lisa out but he didn’t know how to. He was afraid she would reject him and the boys had made bets.

“Just ask her on facebook,” said Magnus.

“No, bro what the fuck? He has to tell her in person otherwise it doesn’t count,” said Jonas.

“But what if she rejects me in public?” said Isak.

“She won’t reject you,” said Even.

“How do you know?”

“How could she reject you? Look at you. You’re so cute,” said Even, beaming.

“Fuck off!”

“Why do you always hang out with us, Even? You’re like sixteen. Why don’t you hang out with people your age? You’re such a weirdo,” said Magnus. “Is it because Sonja and you broke up again? Or is it because people think you’re weird for having depression?”

Isak glared at him.

“What the fuck, Magnus,” said Jonas.

Even laughed. “No, I just like being around Isak.”

Isak felt himself melt.

_No. You’re asking Lisa out. Stop being a homo._

“That’s so fucking gay!” said Magnus.

.

“Just be yourself. I’m sure she’ll say yes,” said Even, lying on his bed and looking at the ceiling.

“If she says no, I’ll come here and punch you,” said Isak, sitting on the bed.

“Won’t happen.”

“Like do I walk up to her and just say it? Should I touch her shoulder or something?”

Even laughed.

“Hold her hand,” said Even.

“That’s so weird. Why would I hold her hand to ask her out?” said Isak.

Even sat up and looked at Isak.

“Hand holding is intimate, Isak. Even if she’s difficult as hell, if she feels something for you, she will melt when you hold her hand.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Sounds like bullshit. It will just freak her out.”

Even suddenly scooted closer until they were mere breaths away. Isak felt his face flush.

_Thank god it’s dark in here._

Even smelled like beer. Isak loved it. He loved it so much.

But then Even suddenly grabbed his hand.

“What are you doing?!” Isak shoved him.

“Proving my point,” said Even.

“Huh?”

He laced their fingers together and looked into his eyes.

Isak stopped breathing for a few moments.

“Even-”

But Even was running his thumb over the back of his hand, and his gaze was soft, so soft. Their hands just fit. They just fit.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

Isak’s chest felt like it was suddenly too small for his heart.

“Uh, I, uh,” he was stuttering, and his palms were so sweaty.

Even looked at his mouth, and Isak couldn’t help but part his lips.

_Kiss me. We’re drunk. Kiss me please._

But Even suddenly let go of his hand.

“And that’s how do it! See? It was cool right?”

_Fuck you._

It worked on Lisa.

* * *

**Now  - Seventeen & Nineteen**

Isak was at a third year neon party, and some first year girl was talking to him. Her name was Emma or something.

Isak had no idea what she was talking about because he was too busy staring at Even, Even who was wearing a white t-shirt, a _freaking_ neon headband, and a smile that put the sun and the stars to shame.

Emma was talking about how difficult being a girl was. And Isak was about to excuse himself when he locked eyes with Even.

His insides felt like they were on fire. Even was all but boring his eyes into his. Isak knew that look. He was all too familiar with that look.

_I want you. I want you._

.

“So when are you guys banging. This sexual tension is too much!” said Eva.

“What the fuck? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Isak, seriously. Are you going to live in denial for the rest of your life? Everybody knows you two are fucking soulmates or some shit,” said Eva.

“He’s my best bro, what the fuck are you talking about?” said Isak.

“Isak. Jonas is your best bro! You don’t fucking cry until you pass out when your best bro skips town.”

“I did not pass out!”

“Isak, whatever. Jesus! We’re all so tired of your shit! Just fucking get together already,” said Eva. “He looks like he’s about to walk towards us and take your clothes off right here right now.”

“Ugh shut up.”

.

“Hello,” said Even.

“Hi.”

“You look good, like really fucking good.”

Isak laughed. “Thanks. You’re not too bad yourself.”

“What was that? Did you just flirt with me?” Even teased.

“Shut up,” Isak shoved him with a smile.

Even kept staring at him.

“What are you looking at?” said Isak.

“I don’t know what happened these past five months, but shit, look at you. Look at your jaw,” said Even, bringing his hand up to cup his face.

“Wha-”

“All your baby fat is gone. I’m kind of sad, but you look so fucking hot like this,” said Even.

“Stop,” Isak was flustered, and he was starting to feel aroused. “Are you, uh, are you drinking?”

“I’m having one beer. Why?”

“No reason,” said Isak.

“Are you monitoring me, Isak Valtersen?” Even teased.

“You know you have the lowest tolerance right, Even Bech Næsheim?”

Even laughed, his hands still cupping Isak’s face. People were watching them now.

Isak didn’t give a damn.

He leaned into his touch and closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them, Even was looking at him with awe in his eyes.

“What?”

“I love you.”

“Oh my god. Shut up,” Isak shoved his hands away and started making his way to the kitchen.

Even followed close behind. And when his hands grabbed his hips, Isak almost tripped

_Shit._

The kitchen was packed so he just kept walking, with Even’s grip getting tighter and his breaths shorter. They walked past Jonas and Mahdi who gave them thumbs up while Magnus looked confused.

.

They were outside. It was a bit chilly but Isak felt hot all over.

“So why did you drag us out-” Even didn’t get to finish his sentence because Isak was kissing him.

“Kiss me. Kiss me,” Isak panted against his mouth.

And kiss him he did. Even pressed him against a wall and pushed a leg between Isak’s. He licked into his mouth with no hesitancy, no holding back, no questions, no doubts, no ‘what ifs’, and no ‘I don’t knows’.

It was all too overwhelming. Isak pulled him closer and moaned louder and gripped him tighter.

He could feel his walls crumbling. All of them. He had been in so much pain for so long that he forgot how it felt to feel loved and wanted. He thought his heart was too worn out to feel anything so immensely, but it was still beating somehow, so fast, way too fast.

It felt like he had been holding his breath since the night Even kissed him goodbye and he was finally letting it out. He had been underwater the entire time, and he was finally coming up for air. All the pain and the tension and the hurting and the aching left his body all at once.

_I don’t care. I don’t care. I just want to love you._

“I love you. Even, I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Baby,”

“I’m not a baby,”

“Baby..”

“Fuck! Even,”

They were hugging now, Isak still pressed against the wall, his arms around Even’s neck, Even’s around Isak’s waist, and heads in the crooks of each other’s necks.

They just fit, like a puzzle, they just fit.

They were breathing hard, so hard, and holding each other so tight that Isak was sure he was leaving bruises.

When their chests stopped heaving, they pulled back and stared at each other.

_How long are we going to play this game for?_

But then Even took his hand.

Isak gasped.

_What are you doing._

Even saw the question in his eyes and offered him a smile that made Isak’s insides twist and turn. Even looked between their hands and laced their fingers together, running his thumb over the back of his hand.

Isak felt like screaming. He knew exactly what Even was doing.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmmm djsksjsd. I'm sorry for all the angst! I always wanted to write angst but I ended up going soft. So I'm doing the thing here because it makes sense in this universe. Everything feels so earth-shattering in high school when you're pining lol.  
> Thank you guys so much for your feedback, comments, kudos, and asks on tumblr <3 The response to this has been insane. You make mY DAYS. I'm sorry I don't answer comments as fast as I want. They really really really make my days. And please never feel bad for leaving a long comment like jfkejfejkjfe do you have any idea how hard I squeal reading them <3  
> Leave a comment if you felt something <3.  
> Next chapter is the last, and it's Even's POV because I am utter trash. I need to prepare my heart haha.  
> .  
> PS: What did you think of Isak's resolution? Have you ever loved someone so much that you lost sight of yourself? That you kind of let yourself get hurt over and over again because simply being near them was worth it? Do you have someone in your life who makes your blood boil with rage, but whom you just forgive so easily that it makes you question if something's wrong with you?  
> Do you have moments in which you just want to give up and actually say what you want to say for once?  
> .  
> PS2: writing this verse has actually killed me a bit inside lol. Either the last chapter will end up being 10K or I'll end up with an epilogue. What do you think.  
> .  
> PS3: I've started thinking about the next universe LOL. It will be short-ish like this one.  
> \- The infamous Hate To Love I've been wanting to write but never find the right feelings  
> \- Post break-up (if I do this it will be at most a few chapter. I can't handle more jfejk)  
> \- Something in a comPLETELY DIFFERENT universe. Something kind of weird and in an alternate reality where weird things happen  
> Love you guys as always <3333


	5. baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a monster chapter. it took so long because i had so much to say. but also because of that poll fjkdjkfd. I couldn't concentrate all weekend. Thank you SO MUCH for reading and leaving the kindest and sweetest comments. I love and appreciate all of you so much.  
> I hope you read all of this haha <3

**Now - Nineteen & Seventeen **

“Will you be my boyfriend?” said Even, with fire in his chest and drumming in his ears.

Isak didn’t say a word. He just stared at him with a heaving chest, parted lips, and sad eyes.

_Why is he always so sad?_

Even brought his other hand to Isak’s cheek and ran his thumb over his cheekbone.

“Isak, baby. Will you be mine?”

Isak looked down at their hands and squeezed Even’s fingers.

Even felt himself melt at the gesture.

“Isak?”

“I’ve been yours ever since you laid your eyes on me,” he whispered. “It’s you who’s never been mine.”

Isak’s voice was small, so small. He was so sad. _Why does he look so broken?_

But then it hit him.

_I did this to him. I broke him._

“Isak-”

“Will you freak out on me again? Will you get with some girl after this? Because I won’t be able to handle it,” said Isak. “Even, I know it’s hard for you. I know you don’t always control what you do and feel and that sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s some girl. It’s also my fault because I always brushed it off like I didn’t care. But I care. I care a lot. And if you’re not interested in sticking around this time, I can’t-”

“Isak,” Even interrupted him by cupping his face with both hands.

“Yes?” His eyes were wide, so wide.

“It’s you. It’s always been you.”

“Uh..”

“When we were kids, it was you. When I had my first kiss at age seven, it was you. When I dropped you on your head, it was you. When you fell off your bike, it was you. When I was with Anna, it was you. When I was with Sonja, it was you. Whenever I kissed or touched you, it was you. Whenever we did nothing and were just the best buddies in the world, it was you. Whenever I drank or smoked, it was you. And whenever I didn’t, it was still you. Even when it wasn’t you, it was still you. It’s always been you. I’ve always been yours. You just weren't paying attention.”

Isak breathed but no words were uttered.

“Say something, please.”

“You’re so cheesy,” Isak whispered, looking down at their hands again and blushing. “Do you always have to make big speeches, Jesus.”

Even lifted his chin and smiled.

“I’m a fool for you.”

“Stop,” Isak squirmed and tried to stifle a smile, but Even wasn’t letting go.

He wasn’t letting go this time.

“I mean it,” said Even. “I really do. Okay?”

“Uh. Okay. Uhm, but.”

“But what?”

“Who, who was your first kiss?” said Isak.

Even threaded his fingers in Isak’s hair, then leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. When he pulled back, he smiled.

“You. It was you.”

* * *

**Then - Six & Four**

Even decided he was going to marry Isak when he was six.

“When I grow up, I want to marry Isak,” he declared to a room full of people.

His parents and Isak’s laughed while Isak slept on the couch beside them.

“Honey, Isak is a boy,” said his mom.

“But you said I can marry anyone I like,” said Even, annoyed.

“Yes, but boys marry girls,” said Isak’s mom.

“Why?” said Even.

“Because that’s the way it is, sweetie,” she said. “Boys don’t marry boys.”

“Well, sometimes boys do marry boys,” said Even’s mom.

“So can I marry Isak? Mamma? Please?”  

“Well, he has to say yes first,” she said.

“He will.”

.

Isak seemed to hate Even. He was always pushing him and shoving him and yelling at him.

“I’m not a princess!” Isak shouted.

“Why?”

“Because I’m a boy.”

“Mom said boys can be princesses, too.”

“You’re stupid,” Isak shoved him.

.

“Stop touching my hair! I’m going to tell mom!”

.

Even loved Isak’s hair. He loved it so much.

“Mom, I want hair like Isak’s hair.”

“Honey, he’s been growing it for years. You can’t just grow hair overnight,” she said.

.

Even was in Isak’s house and they were watching TV in the living room.

“I don’t want to watch this!” Isak yelled. “Change the channel!”

“No. I like this,” said Even. “I’m seven, and you’re only five. You have to listen to me.”

“It’s not fair!”

Isak’s mom made them snacks and Even offered to bring them back to Isak’s room from the kitchen.

Even loved Isak’s mom’s snacks. He loved them so much.

“Thank you,” he said. His mother always insisted he thanked people.

“You’re welcome sweetie,” said Isak’s mom. “So what are you doing today?”  
“It’s a secret,” said Even.

She smiled and let him go.

When he got back to Isak’s room, he was sleeping. So he woke him up.

“Isak, wake up! I have snacks.”

They went back to the living room, ate, and watched another cartoon on the floor. Even was sitting while Isak was lying on his stomach. Even loved it when they watched TV because Isak didn’t complain about him touching his hair.

When they finished the episode, Isak got off his stomach and sat next to Even.

Even laughed because Isak had chocolate all over his mouth.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because you are so stupid,” said Even.

“I’m not stupid!” Isak was about to cry.

“Don’t cry!”

Even pulled Isak into a hug. “I’m sorry. I’m stupid, not you.”

“Okay.”

They watched TV until Even’s mother came to get him.

“Even, it’s time to go,” said his mom.

“Okay.”

Even got up and walked towards the door. He waved goodbye to Isak’s mom, then stopped when he remembered something.

He turned around and walked back to Isak who was rubbing his eyes.

He put his hands on Isak’s shoulders, pursed his lips, and leaned in.

He kissed him on the mouth.

Even’s mom laughed, but Isak was angry. “You’re so stupid, Even!”

“Why did you do that?” said Isak’s mom.

“Because dad always kisses mom before he leaves,” said Even.

_Even didn’t know why. But he remembered that day in excruciating detail._

.

When he turned nine, Isak’s mom asked Even who he wanted to marry when he grew up during a picnic.

“Isak.”

“Even, you’re nine years old now. You know you can’t marry a boy.”

“But why? I thought you marry the person you love.”

“Yes, but God will get very angry if you marry a boy,” said Isak’s mom.

“Why?”

“Because God doesn’t like boys who like other boys.”

.

When he was ten, Even was taken to see a doctor because he was always too excited, too unfocused. The Doctor told him he had ADHD.

Even was very confused and he didn’t understand, but his mom said it was going to be alright.

He was in Jonas’ house with Isak and two other boys one afternoon. Jonas’ mother made snacks, and Even was very happy because Isak’s mother didn’t make snacks when he came to the house anymore.

Jonas was very nice but Even didn’t like how Isak liked him more.

They were playing some game, and Jonas was carrying Isak on his back. Even didn’t like it.

So when Jonas put him down, Even crouched behind Isak, put his head between his legs, and picked him up on his shoulders.

Isak screamed.

“What are you doing?!”

“He’s going to fall!” said Jonas.

“No, I got him,” said Even

“Put me down, Even!”

Even was sad. He just wanted to make Isak laugh, too, but he scared him instead.

“Isak, I won’t drop you. I promise.”

He walked with Isak on his shoulders around the house to prove it to him. But when he got next to the stairs, he lost his balance, and dropped Isak on his head.

Isak couldn’t stop crying, and there was some blood.

.

“What did you do? What did you do to my son?”

Isak’s mother looked very scary, and Even was crying because Isak was still crying.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’m sorry.”

“Things like this happen, Marianne,” said Even’s mother. “They were just playing.”

“No! Even is too dangerous. I knew he was going to hurt my son! He has that sickness in him! You shouldn’t let him play with other kids. He will hurt everyone!”

Even cried in the car on their way back home.

“Mom, am I dangerous? Will I hurt everyone?”

“No, baby. Don’t worry about what she said. You’re the most wonderful boy in the universe! Okay?”

“Okay.”

Isak no longer spoke to him, and Even got over it fairly quickly.

Somehow, his fascination with the younger boy had evaporated when he stopped seeing him everywhere.

But not for long. Never for long.

* * *

**Now - Nineteen & Seventeen**

“After that Magnus said something like ‘I volunteer if you want to fuck’,” said Isak. “Vilde was so angry. It was fucking hilarious.”

Isak was laughing, sprawled on Even’s chest, wearing a gray hoodie.

Even felt his laugh reverberate through him. He laughed, too.

“I hope Magnus never changes,” said Even, cradling Isak’s head and playing with his curls. “What a gem.”

“He’s so oblivious. Someone will beat him up some day.”

They both laughed, lying on Isak’s bed, doing absolutely nothing.

Isak looked up from where he was lying on Even’s left arm, tilting his chin upwards.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi baby,” said Even.

Isak’s face flushed and Even’s heart skipped a beat.

_You’re so beautiful._

Even brought his right hand to his cheek and stroked it.

Isak looked so small at that moment, so unsure, so insecure, so full of doubts. So Even leaned in and kissed him as gently as he could. Isak barely parted his lips. He barely moved at all. So Even kissed him again, and again, and again. Each kiss longer than the previous one, but still soft, always soft.

He kissed him until Isak brought his hand to Even’s neck and parted his lips.

They kissed like that for the longest time, wrapped up in each other’s arms on that awful mattress, Isak’s hand on Even’s neck, and Even’s cradling Isak’s head.

There was no pushing, no pulling, no grabbing. They just kissed as slowly as they possibly could. Because they could. Because they had all the time in the world.

Even kissed Isak’s lips, then his cheeks, then his nose, then his temple, then his forehead. He pressed soft little kisses everywhere he could reach, and Isak gasped every single time as if he couldn’t believe it.

Even could feel Isak melting in his arms. He could feel the tension leaving his body. He could feel his thoughts disentangling in his mind.

Isak’s hold on his neck never got tighter. He just ran his thumb over Even’s skin instead. Isak’s eyes were closed and he was letting Even kiss him everywhere.

Even couldn’t help but melt at Isak’s softness.

_I can’t believe we’re finally here._

.

“What are you thinking about?”

“We never kissed like this before,” said Isak.

“We did once,” said Even.

“When?”

“Christmas. The first time you got drunk. You were twelve.”

* * *

**Then - Thirteen & Eleven**

When Even turned thirteen, he grew taller and bigger. He started reading things he wasn’t supposed to read. He started having strange thoughts. He started feeling sad for no reason.

He was thirteen and moody and happy and sad. He felt too empty at times and too full at others. He became irritable and started snapping at his mother.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a particularly heated argument.

“It’s okay. You’re a teenager. That’s what teenagers do,” said his mother.

.

Even started waking up in sticky sheets and sticky boxers. He hated it. He hated that he couldn’t control any of it.

He felt guilty whenever he touched himself. He watched videos on the internet and realized that everything turned him on. He liked girls’ bodies and men’s bodies and boys’ bodies and women’s bodies. He liked everything.

.

He was friends with Isak again now, and he felt guilty whenever he looked at him. He felt guilty because Isak smiled and shoved him and played with him and had no idea what was going on in his mind. Isak had no idea how Even felt whenever he tucked his hair behind his ear, or tackled him to the ground, or rested his head on his stomach after a long football game.

Isak had no idea what kind of sick ideas Even had in his head. He hated it. He hated himself. So he started bringing Mikael along to everything.

.

They were on their bikes one day when Isak went tumbling down some hills after Mikael pulled his hair.

It was very brutal and Even thought his heart was about to stop. He had never been that scared in his life.

Isak was hurting, that much he knew. But somehow he wasn’t crying.

Isak was biting his lip and holding it in. So Even carried him on his back and put as much distance as he could between them and the boys.

“Just cry if it hurts,” he said.

So he cried. He held onto his shoulders and cried. Even held onto his thighs and tried not to cry, too. It broke his heart when Isak cried. It always did.

Isak eventually stopped crying and gripping his shoulders so hard.

“You can put me down. I can walk,” said Isak.

“It’s okay. I got you,” said Even.

“But you’re sweating and you’re tired.”

“I don’t care.”

Even realized he’d carry him anywhere. He realized that Isak would probably never accept that ugly side of him but that it was okay. He would just keep it hidden forever, for his sake.

Simply sending him cheesy anonymous Valentine’s day cards was enough for him.

.

When he got him home, Isak’s mother glared at him.

“It wasn’t Even’s fault. I swear,” said Isak.

Even dreaded going to Isak’s house. It always reminded him of the day Isak’s mother called him dangerous and said he was only going to hurt everyone.

He was thirteen now but he still couldn’t get over it.

.

Even was fourteen when he realized that he needed to tell Isak that he loved him.

“What?”

“Nobody loves me,” said Isak.

“What do you mean?” said Even.

“I don’t know. I’m so jealous of you. All the girls want you to be their boyfriend and your parents buy you everything you want. I wish mom would buy me a t-shirt like yours. I really really like it. I don’t know. Nobody cares about me.”

Even decided he would tell Isak he loved him on his birthday. He saved money and bought him the exact same shirt.

He kissed his cheek and told him. He told him that he loved him and ran off with butterflies in his stomach.

.

Later that night, he got a call from Isak’s mother.

“Stay away from Isak!”

“What?”

“I saw you! I saw that you came here, and I saw what you did! My son will not be like you. My son will not be punished by God! Stay away from Isak!”

It hurt too much.

.

Even stayed away. He started lower secondary school and barely saw Isak at all. He started drinking and seeing girls.

Even liked girls. They smiled a lot and smelled nice. They had great hair and were really good to him.

He started dating a girl named Emilie. She was sweet but always liked to shove her tongue in his mouth a bit too much.

They were kissing one time outside the school and she whimpered when he accidentally bit her lower lip.

His eyes shot wide open open. It always killed him when Isak made similar sounds in his sleep.

He gently pushed her away.

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

.

Isak was in his room, and they were drunk and talking about some girl named Lisa that Isak wanted to kiss.

Even didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He was so drunk that he admitted to liking Isak.

“Even, that’s so gay!”

.

“I think that to be gay, you need to like want to kiss the person, too. Not just spend time with them. Don’t you think?” said Isak.

“You’re right.”

Isak was on his back on the bed, and Even was propped on his elbow, lying on his side, looking at him and playing with his hair.

Isak suddenly reached up and grabbed one of Even’s hoodie strings then pulled at them. Even’s eyes went a bit wide.

“What are you doing?” said Even.

“I don’t know,” said Isak, his cheeks completely flushed, and his eyes almost closing now.

_Look at you._

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Do you like Lisa?”

“She’s pretty,” said Isak.

“Is that why you want to kiss her?”

“I don’t know,” said Isak, pulling at the strings again until their faces were a few breaths apart.

Even ran a hand through Isak’s hair and watched him curl up against him. _He was so cute._

“You’re pretty, too,” said Even. “Like really pretty, Isak.”

“Don’t say that. I’m a boy.”

“But you are. You’re prettier than all the girls at my school.”

“Everybody’s ugly at your school,” said Isak.

They both laughed.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Why do you want to kiss Lisa?”

“I just want to kiss somebody,” said Isak.’

_You can kiss me._

Even leaned in and kissed him on the lips. A quick and soft kiss. Nothing like his kisses with Emilie and the other girls.

Even was terrified and his heart was about to drop out of his chest, but he eventually opened his eyes.

Isak was breathing hard, but his gaze was soft, so soft.

“Again?” Even whispered.

“Again.”

Even leaned in and kissed him a second time, and then a third, and a fourth.

He moved so that he was now lying on his back, and pulled Isak into his chest. Isak’s head lay on Even’s arm, his chin tilted upwards, his lips barely parting.

Even all but forced Isak’s lips apart with his own. And after a short while, Isak brought a hand to his neck and started kissing him back.

Even couldn’t stop kissing him. He never wanted to kiss anybody else ever again.

They kissed until Isak fell asleep on his arm.

.

When Even woke up the next day, Isak wasn’t there. And when he texted him, Isak didn’t text back.

The first time they saw each other after the kissing incident was at Jonas’ house. Isak wouldn’t look at him. And when they accidentally bumped into each other, Isak flinched.

It broke his heart.

Everything was too weird, too awkward. Isak was so uncomfortable around him and Even hated it. He couldn’t even blame him. He had taken advantage of Isak’s first time getting drunk by kissing him when all he wanted was to kiss Lisa.

Even was so much older. Isak _was a baby_ and he was vulnerable. He hated himself.

_I’m disgusting._

Even hated himself. He really did. So when a girl named Anna asked if he wanted to hang out, he said yes.

Isak didn’t talk to him for over a year.

* * *

**Now - Nineteen & Seventeen**

“I thought I was corrupting you. I thought I was really bad for you. For the longest time, I did my best to stay away from you because I was so scared of my own thoughts you know,” said Even.

“What do you mean?”

“When I was thirteen or something, I literally fantasized about you. You were a freaking baby. I was so disgusting. I hated myself.”

Isak choked on his water. They were sitting around the kitchen table in Kollektivet.

“You fantasized about me?!”

“Uh yeah. Shit. It sounds so creepy like this,” said Even, rubbing the back of his neck. “I swear it wasn’t like that weird. Fuck, I don’t know.”

Isak left his chair and made his way to him. Even looked at him as he towered over him, then watched him sink onto his lap, straddling him.

Even couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. They had never done anything like this before.

Isak threw his arms around Even’s neck and looked into his eyes.

“Hi,” said Isak, with a shy smile.

“Hi.”

Even’s heart was beating fast, so fast.

Isak leaned in and kissed his cheek. Even thought his chest was about to explode.

When he pulled back, Isak smiled again.

“Even.”

“Hm?”

“You’re not disgusting and you didn’t corrupt me. Okay?”

“Okay,” said Even.

“Now kiss me.”

.

“I like this. I like our seating arrangement,” said Even, squeezing Isak’s sides.

His face flushed.

“Ugh, don’t get used to this! This is me comforting you. Don’t get freaky on me,” said Isak.

“It’s hard not to when you’re literally sitting on my dick.”

“Oh my god!” Isak shoved him and got off his lap.  
“What? You realize we’re not ‘bros’ anymore right? You realize I’m going to be all over you 24/7, right?” said Even.

“Shit, are you really as insatiable as Sonja used to say?”

Even winced at the mention of her name, and Isak’s smile dropped.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sonja,” Even sighed. “I really treated her like shit.”

* * *

**Then - Fifteen & Thirteen**

Even met Sonja at age fifteen. She was the brightest person. She radiated so much positivity and was always so kind. She was genuinely interesting, and Even could listen to her talk for days. She also had an amazing body and knew exactly how to kiss him to make him feel weak in the knees.

Things were going great. He was falling in love. He really was.

But then Isak texted him after a year of radio silence.

Even quickly realized that he was being set up, and he was both relieved and disappointed.

Isak started spending time with him and Sonja. Even felt guilty because he sometimes wanted to grab Isak’s hand instead of hers.

It was unfair to both of them, not that Isak cared.

.

At age sixteen, Even started sinking even deeper into his thoughts. He would stare outside the window and wonder if he was real, if anything was real at all. He would stop in the middle of a conversation and wonder if anybody noticed.

He felt disconnected from reality one minute, then too immersed in it the next. Things were getting weirder and he was confused all the time.

He was in his father’s car one time and he just zoned out.

“Even?” said his dad.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure,” said Even.

Some nights, he simply couldn’t breathe. It was all too much. He bit his pillow and sank his fingernails into his palms. He just wanted to feel something.

He felt like he was suffocating. Nothing made sense. It was all becoming too much. He was stuck. He was paralyzed.

Then one morning, he realized he simply couldn’t leave bed.

.

When Even got diagnosed with depression, it seemed like the most absurd thing in the world. He actually laughed. He laughed until he cried.

_Great. Guess I really am meant to hurt everyone._

Isak’s reaction was the most surprising. Even expected him to run the other direction given his struggles with his own mother’s mental issues.

But Isak touched his face and ran his hands through his hair instead.

He was so gentle, so careful, so tactile. It took Even off guard.

Isak stayed. He never left. He held him and was patient and understanding. Sonja did, too. But somehow, she got muffled in the background to everything Isak, Isak, Isak.

Isak was constantly curled around him, constantly there, hugging him and touching him. They had never been that tactile before. Isak had never touched him or showed him affection like that before.

Even didn’t have enough energy to push him away and cling to Sonja instead, so he let him take care of him. He indulged.

.

“Even, do you have feelings for Isak? Just tell me honestly, I won’t get mad,” said Sonja.

“I. What? How?”

“Even, I see the way you look at him sometimes. I’m not blind.”

.

They decided to take a break so that Even could figure it out.

.

Even was walking Isak through his first time smoking weed, and it was hilarious and endearing.

_I love you so much._

.

They were kissing and Even wanted more, so he took more. Isak wasn’t shying away, and it took Even by surprise.

They were making out now, and Isak was on his lap.

_I think he wants me, too._

.

When Isak’s parents came back home, Isak shoved him under his bed. And when his mother came into the room, she quickly noticed Even’s legs.

“What is going on here?! What is he doing here?!” She was beyond angry.

.

Later that night, she called again. She called him and broke his heart.

“I see the way you look at him. You’re old enough now to know that it’s wrong, and that God will not tolerate it. I know your parents won’t tell you this for whatever reason, but I will. I don’t care if you want to live a life of debauchery, but I will not let you corrupt my son. I won’t let you brainwash him.”

“With all due respect, I think God has better things to do than worry about two teenagers in Norway,” said Even. “And Isak is no longer a child. I’m not brainwashing him.”

“Of course you are! Don’t you realize the effect you have on him? You’re two years older. He worships you.”

“I, uh. That’s not true.”

“Do you touch him? Do you make him touch you? What do you make my son do? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

“I’m. I don’t-. I-”

“I hope you know how disgusting it is.”

Even replied politely, promised he would never hurt Isak, wished her a good night and hung up.

_She doesn’t mean it. She’s sick, too. She’s just mentally ill like me._

He cried for an entire hour.

.

_She’s right._

Even got back with Sonja after that, and then every other time after that.

* * *

**Now - Seventeen & Nineteen**

“So tell me about yourself, Even,” said Eskild.

“Eskild, you’re not my dad! You don’t have to ambush him like this!” said Isak.

“Relax, my grumpy child. I’m just getting to know your boyfriend over here,” said Eskild.

Even couldn’t help but beam at the word ‘boyfriend’ while Isak’s face flushed.

“Uh, I’m Even. I met Isak when I was six and I’ve loved him ever since,” said Even.

“Oh my god! You’re so cheesy!” said Isak.

“That’s cute, like really really cute. Right Noora?” said Eskild.

“Really really cute,” said Noora.

“I hate all of you!” said Isak, trying to drag Even back into the room.

“So grumpy! How can you love this?” said Eskild.

“I just do,” said Even, turning his head to look at Isak. “He’s like my baby.”

Isak’s face turned crimson. “I’m not a fucking baby, oh my god!”

But then Even leaned in and kissed him in front of the entire Kollektiv. He kissed him slow and deep.

When he pulled back, Isak’s face was soft, so soft.

“Oh my god!” Eskild and Noora yelled in unison.

.

“You kill me,” Isak moaned.

“Baby, you drive me crazy.”

“I love you.”

“Baby.”

“Touch me,” Isak panted.

“Where do you want me to touch you?”

“My toes. What the fuck, Even? You know where.”

“I can touch your toes, too if you want.”

“Even, please don’t touch my toes.”

They laughed as Even planted kisses along Isak’s neck, while the younger boy wrapped his legs around his waist.

They laughed until their eyes went dark with lust.

“Shit,” Even muttered. “Baby, lift up.”

Isak lifted his hips off the mattress so that Even could take off his boxers.

“Oh my god. Look at you.”

“Shut up,” Isak brought his hands to his eyes.

“No, no, I want you to look.”

“What?”  
“Look at me while I suck you off, baby. Look at me.”

“Fuck.”

.

“What are you thinking about?” said Isak, sprawled on the bed next to him.

“You,” said Even.

“That’s lame. I’m right here.”

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to touch you like this,” said Even.

“You can touch me now,” said Isak, leaving his side of the bed to straddle him.

“I can touch you now.”

“You can do other things to me, too.”

“Yeah? Like what?” Even did his best to flash him that cheeky smile that Isak hated.

Isak grabbed his face instead.

“You can fuck me,” he whispered.

Even choked on nothing but air. “Isak, shit. What the fuck.”

“What do you mean ‘what the fuck?’. I may not know much. But I know that boyfriends fuck each other, Even!”

“Fucking hell,” Even actually laughed. He was so cute. “I know that, baby.”

“Then why won’t you fuck me?”

“Isak, you’re, uh. You’re not ready. If you want to have sex, we can start with me? What do you think?”

“Even, are you fucking kidding me!”

* * *

**Then - Seventeen & Fifteen**

Even was seventeen and his life was going great. He had an amazing girlfriend. He had a great group of friends. And he had Isak.

They would just hang out and do nothing for hours at a time. Even would draw and Isak would call him a sap.

“You’re so lame,” said Isak.

“Excuse me?” Even scoffed.

“You draw and play guitar and write about feelings. You’re honestly embarrassing.”

“Why is that embarrassing?” said Even.

“It’s so gay.”

“What?! What does drawing and being in touch with your feelings have to do with sexual orientation?” said Even.

“That’s not what I meant. But like you know, like gays, they do girly stuff. That’s stuff girls do,” Isak was stuttering.

“Isak, what’s with the harmful generalizations? I taught you better than this.”

“Fuck off, I’m not your child. You don’t teach me shit.”

“Okay, but maybe I should. What you said was very hurtful,” said Even.

“What? To whom? To you?”

“It was homophobic and sexist, and you’re better than that.”

“Oh my god, here we go again with the ‘Tumbarell’ bullshit,” Isak rolled his eyes.

It drove Even crazy. So he leaned in and ruffled Isak’s hair.

“Fucking asshole!” Isak shoved him.

“That will teach you,” Even laughed.

“Fuck you!” Isak shouted but there was no meanness behind it.

Even kept ruffling his hair while Isak tried to shove him away.

“Why are your arms so freaking long? You’re like a fucking giraffe,” said Isak.

“That’s not nice.”

“What? Did I hurt your feelings again? Are you going to write about this in your diary tonight?” Isak teased while shoving his elbow into Even’s sides.

“Why do I let a fifteen year old bully me like this seriously?” Even lamented but then he laughed.

Isak laughed, too, for the longest time. He then looked at him and said very matter-of-factly, “because you love me.”

Even was on the bed and he realized that Isak was sitting on top of him.

Isak realized it, too because he quickly moved away.

For a moment, it hurt to breathe.

“So that was awkward,” said Isak.

“What? Why? Was it too gay for you?” Even teased.

“Shut up, asshole!”

.

That night Sonja came over, and he undressed her faster than usual.

“Slow down,” she said.

“I want you so fucking bad right now,” he breathed against her skin.

.

He was thrusting into Sonja when Isak popped into his mind, his face flushed and wet with tears, his lips pink and swollen. He felt like he was choking.

_What the fuck is this shit. What the fuck._

“What the fuck, Even?”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

.

He was insatiable. He was all over the place. He couldn’t stop.

.

They were in his parents cabin with Mikael and Jonas, getting as high as they possibly could. Even spent an entire hour watching Isak’s cheeks grow pink while he looked at Jonas.

He couldn’t handle it.

_That should be me._

_What the fuck. No. I’m with Sonja. What the hell._

Isak excused himself in panic and Even didn’t miss how he was holding up his hands in front of his pants.

.

Isak was disheveled, pants around his ankles, fully exposed in the bathroom. He was a mess. A beautiful mess.

_Oh my god! Look at you._

Even kneeled in front of him, wrapped his hand around him, and started pumping. Isak didn’t last more than a few minutes. And it was the best few minutes of his life.

.

When Isak touched him, he felt like the entire universe had finally lined up for him. He felt like things were finally, finally working out for him, like all the questions that kept him up at night were finally getting answered.

He was consumed with lust. He was kissing Isak with everything that he had.

_I’ve waited so long for this. So long. I want you so much._

He wanted nothing more but to lift Isak right then and there and take him on the bathroom sink. He wanted to watch him writhe and moan. He wanted to wreck him.

_What the fuck am I thinking._

_It’s Isak. It’s fucking Isak. He’s a baby. What the fuck Even. What the fuck._

Sonja called and he ran out of the bathroom with panic in his chest, not even looking back at Isak, too ashamed, too disgusted by himself.

.

“Even?”

“Sonja, I fucked up! I’m sorry. I’m fucked up. I’m so fucked up!”

“Even, what the hell is going on?”

“I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I need to go. Please forgive me. Bye.”

* * *

**Now - Nineteen & Seventeen**

“Why are you leaving before Even?” Eskild asked Isak. “You go to the same school, no?”

“Isak is ashamed of me,” said Even.

“Ugh,” Isak rolled his eyes. “I’m not fucking ashamed of you! I just can’t get there at the same time as you. I need to tell the boys first.”

“You know we can walk to school together without me groping you or anything, right?” said Even. “I mean I’ve only done that all my life.”

Eskild laughed while Isak’s face flushed again.

“Ugh, I hate both of you,” said Isak. “Magnus will freak the fuck out though, so I’d rather not have you around.”

Even sighed. “Fine. Whatever you need, baby.”

“Baby? You call him baby? Oh my god, Isak! You never let me call you baby!” said Eskild.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

* * *

**Baby <333333**

12:46

I did it

I told the boys

So proud of you baby <3

Magnus freaked out but mahdi and jonas were chill

What did mags say?

He asked me who’s the man and who’s the woman in gay relationships

HAHAHAHA

What a magnus thing to say

It’s not fucking funny

Where are you now?

Why

What do you mean why? I want to see you

I want to tell you that i’m proud of you

And kiss you

I want to kiss you

I miss you

Wtf Even you saw me this morning

:(

You’re so fucking weird

But you love me?

Fuck off

:(((( </3333

I’m late for class

</333333 :(((((((((

You’re so annoying

:’((((((((((((

i love you

<3333333333 :DD

bye

* * *

When Even spotted Isak’s back in the hallways, he couldn’t help but break into a huge grin.

Isak was standing with Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus, and they were talking about something serious enough for them to remain oblivious to Even’s presence.

He walked slowly, stopped right behind Isak, placed a hand on his hip, and leaned in to kiss his neck.

“Hey, baby,” he said.

.

“What the fuck!? What the fuck is going on, bro?! This is legit inception I’m so fucking lost! Oh my god! What’s happening?!” Magnus was losing his mind while Jonas and Mahdi laughed with actual tears in their eyes.

Isak was mortified.

“What the fuck, Even!?” Isak all but yelled.

“What?” Even was genuinely confused.  
“How could you out me like that?!”

“What!? You said you told them!” said Even.

“Oh my god! Even is the guy?! Even is your fucking guy?!” Magnus was screaming.

“I told them about me, not about you! Oh my god!” said Isak.

“Wait. How was that outing you? If anything I outed myself,” said Even.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe this! Is this why you beat up that Yakuza dude when he touched Isak? Oh my god. What the fuck? But you two are like pussy magnets! What’s happening? Jonas, is this a prank!?” Magnus was still screaming.

.

“Well, that went well,” said Even, smiling.

They were sitting on one of the school benches.

“I can’t believe you outed me to the whole school,” said Isak.

“I exposed myself, too, though.”

“But you’re like new. Nobody knows you here.”

“Excuse me!” Even scoffed, but Isak didn’t laugh.

“Shit,” he sighed instead.

“I’m sorry,” said Even, taking his hand before quickly letting go. “Uh, I imagine touching is out of the question, too, huh.”

Isak sighed again, then took his hand. “Nah, fuck that.”

It may have been comical, but Even knew that it was a tough day for Isak. He knew how much courage it took him to talk to the boys. He knew.

“I’m so proud of you,” said Even, bringing a hand to Isak’s hair.

“Thank you,” said Isak in the smallest voice.

Even moved closer and took him in his arms.

“So so proud of you,” he whispered against his skin.

Isak gripped him tight, so tight.

“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about that anymore,” he said.

“Yeah,” Even pulled back and smiled.

When he tried to kiss him, Isak dodged it.

“Too soon!” he said, getting up from the bench and adjusting his clothes.

“Too soon? Too soon!? Isak, I’ve literally waited my whole life!”  

“Shut up, oh my god!”

“Isak, I literally got into fights for you!”

“Too soon, asshole!”

* * *

**Then - Eighteen & Sixteen**

_“I want you to be my first. Fuck, Even. I want you to be my first!”_

It broke him. Even was borderline obsessed. He was obsessed.

He was eighteen and finally broken up with Sonja. He couldn’t lie to her and to himself anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Sonja. I’m the worst. I don’t even know if I could ever make it up to you.”

“I’m sorry, too,” she said. “I’ve always known. I was just stubborn I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We can be friends?”

“Yeah, I could use a friend right now.”

.

“So are you gonna go after him?” she asked.

“No!”

“Why not?”

“I’m so fucked up. He doesn’t need this,” said Even. “He wouldn’t want me.”

“Even, are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“Do you have any idea how much that kid loves you?” said Sonja.

“Huh?”

“Even, when you tried to hurt yourself, he literally didn’t leave your side. He probably cried even more than I did,” said Sonja. “I tried to hate him. I really did. But he’s so fucking precious. I almost get it.”

Even smiled. _I’m sorry._

.

“I love you.”

When Isak told him that he loved him, Even like he was transported to another dimension. _Is this real?_

Even had spent his entire life telling him how much he loved him, and Isak had never uttered those words.

But the younger boy probably just had the worst night of his life. His father had just left. He was emotional and sad. Of course, he’d say something like that. Of course.

“I think I’m crazy,” Even admitted.

Even’s thoughts were spiraling out of control. Everything was too much all the time. Everything felt like the end of the world. He felt like everything went in slow motion before his eyes sometimes. He needed to go faster. He wanted to go faster. He wanted to do more things. He wanted Isak. He wanted him so much.

_No. He’s vulnerable right now._

.

Even was obsessed. He knew it. He could feel it. He felt fantastic. He felt perfect. He felt invincible. He felt larger than life. He felt amazing. Life was amazing. He didn’t even need to sleep. _Fuck sleep. Fuck it._

Isak was the best thing. Isak was his favorite thing. Isak was everything.

So he made him break into a pool and kissed him breathless.

_This is real. This is happening. You’re mine. I want you. All I ever do is think of you. You’re mine._

.

When Isak blew him in the shower, he wanted to scream.

“Oh my god, baby!”

.

He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop moving. He couldn’t. Isak was sleeping in his bed. Finally, right where he belonged. So he smothered him with kisses. He smothered him with big fat kisses.

“Baby. Baby. I love you. You’re mine. You’re mine.”

He couldn’t sleep, so he left the house for a walk. It was liberating, walking like that in the streets with nothing on. He should have done that more often. He should have brought Isak along, really.

.

BIPOLAR.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Are you fucking shitting me right now?! Bipolar?! What the fuck does that even mean? Just label me crazy at this point! Three fucking diagnoses. What’s next? I’m probably schizophrenic, too! When will I finally get to live? When can I finally live my life and love whoever the fuck I want to love without feeling like I’m ruining their lives? Just when? When?!”

He was hysterical and sobbing. He was tired, so so tired.

.

Isak never left his side. But he acted like that whole night never happened. He acted like Even hadn’t poured his heart out to him.

_I guess you don’t want me anymore now that I’m officially crazy._

Even hated himself. He really did.

.

Isak was passed out drunk in his bed and Magnus told him that he “fucked some girl in the bathroom”.

It hurt too much.

“Did you fuck her good?”

Even hated himself.

_I’m such a fucking dick._

.

Even was spiraling out of control again. He didn’t think so, but his mom did.

She was crying and Isak had a constant alarmed expression on his face.

_I’m fine!_

.

Isak was involved in some fight. So Even texted Magnus to find out about the details.

When he rounded the corner, the first thing he saw was Isak getting punched. Every fiber in his being was suddenly set on fire.

_Don’t fucking touch him! How dare you fucking touch him?!”_

Even wasn’t sure how he got to them. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t remember crossing the yard. He couldn’t remember anything. He didn’t know what was going on besides the fact that Isak was hurt and that some guy had punched him in the face.

_I will fucking kill you. I will fucking kill you, you fucking piece of shit._

Even wasn’t a violent person. He just wasn’t. He was against all the fist fighting and all the stupid macho ‘bro’ mayhem. But it was Isak.

It was Isak.

.

“You’re scaring me. Even, please! Please stop,” Isak’s voice pierced right through him.

_Shit. Fuck. Fuck._

.

“Mom, I can’t stay here. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so tired of hurting everyone. I’m so tired of everyone looking at me like I have two heads. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m crazy.”

.

“We’re moving. Your doctor recommends moving. You need stability in your life,” said his mother. “And you’re not crazy, Even. You’re bipolar and you can live with it. You’re so strong. But as long as you feel the need to apologize for that, we will never get anywhere. Don’t you ever apologize for that. Okay?”

.

Saying goodbye to Isak that night was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. Isak was a crying mess.

_Shit. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry._

Even had no idea how he had ever doubted Isak’s feelings for him at that point.

Isak kissed him first. He hugged him. He cried. He sobbed. He held onto him for dear life. He clinged and kissed him so hard and so deep that Even felt like the earth was finally swallowing him whole.

“Don’t leave me!” Isak sobbed.

Even’s heart broke a million times over.

_I promise I’ll come back. I’ll become stronger. I’ll become worthy of you. I promise._

And he did just that.   

* * *

**Now - Nineteen & Seventeen**

“I thought it would be weird. I thought it would be weirder,” said Isak.

“What do you mean?” said Even, running a hand through his hair.

“Like, uh, us. I don’t know.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know! We’ve been friends our whole lives. It’s kind of weird. Like. I don’t know what to tell my dad or face your parents,” said Isak.

“Isak Valtersen, are you ashamed of me?!” Even scoffed.

“Shut up!” Isak rolled his eyes.

Even laughed and pressed a kiss to his neck.

“What is it?” said Even.

“I hate how everybody’s like ‘I knew it!’. You have no idea how annoying Eva is being about this.”

“What do they mean they knew it? What did they know exactly?”

“Even, are you seriously oblivious? Everybody knows I’ve been in love with you since I was like twelve. It’s fucking embarrassing.”

“You’re in love with me?” Even’s heart started beating fast, really fast, and he could feel it growing bigger.

“Even, what the fuck?” Isak’s tone was harsh, but his face was flushed.

“I’m. Isak, I’m serious. I. When. When did you know?”

“You’re the worst! I’m not having this conversation with you,” Isak shoved him, but Even wrapped his arms around his chest and pulled him back into bed.

“Isak.”

“Fuck, sometimes I feel like you were just fucking blind,” said Isak.

Even tightened his hold around his chest and placed his chin on Isak’s shoulder. He felt the younger boy relax in his arms.

Isak sighed.

“Everybody knows. I never told anyone, but everybody just knows. They know because they have eyes and because apparently I’m fucking transparent. I don’t know how you didn’t notice,” said Isak.

“I’m sorry,” said Even, planting a kiss between his neck and his shoulder. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, and I was so busy thinking I’m the worst thing that could ever happened to you that I never stopped to think about how you felt. I treated you like shit. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that. Only I can say that you treated me like shit,” said Isak, with a smile.

“Ouch.”  

“Oh, you’re hurt?” Isak teased.

“Yeah, baby, you hurt me,” said Even.

“I think I know how to make you feel better.”

“Oh yeah?”

.

Isak’s flushed face between his legs was probably Even’s favorite sight in the world. Even felt his entire being combust. He did his best not to push his hips upward. He didn’t want to hurt him.

Isak was soft, so soft, so eager to please.

“Teach me. Even, teach me.”

Even felt like screaming. _Oh my god._

“Please, I want to be good.”

“Fuck, are you kidding me? Oh my god, Isak. You’re going to kill me.”

His eyelashes were wet and his lips were shining.

“Fucking hell, stop. Isak, stop.”

Isak shook his head, his mouth still around Even.

“Baby, you’re choking. Fuck-” Even was losing it.

Isak moaned after his mouth made the most obnoxious popping sound.

“No. I want to. I want to,” said Isak before taking him into his mouth again.

“Isak-”

“I want to taste you. Even, come for me.”

“I’m, shit. Fuck.”

“Please, Even, please. Let me taste you. I want to taste you.”

.

“I think you ruined me for anybody else,” said Even, his chest still heaving. “That was too much.”

“Stop!” Isak buried his head into the pillow.

“What?”

“Stop lying to make me feel good,” said Isak.

“I’m not lying. What the hell?”

“Even, I’ve literally never done this before with anyone else. Just tell me if I suck at it. I want to be better.”

Even couldn’t believe his eyes. He rolled over so that he was straddling Isak then cupped his face with both hands.

“I’m not lying. What the fuck. I’m not lying,” he said.

“No?” Isak sounded so insecure. Even wanted to scream.

“You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

“Yeah right,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Isak, you’re the only thing I want to ever have ever again.”

“You’re so cheesy. I can’t handle you,” Isak shoved him.

.

“Even, why did you bring us to your parents cabin?”

“You know why.”

“Are we finally going to fuck?”

“No baby, we’re going to make love.”

“Fuck off! I’m driving myself home.”

.

“Stay still, baby.”

“Even, I’m ready. I swear. I promise. Just fuck me.”

“No, I don’t want to hurt you,” Even leaned down and pressed soft kisses along his inner thighs while Isak rocked against his fingers.

“I need you. Even, please.”

Isak had tears in his eyes, and Even couldn’t handle it.

“Wait, just a little more, okay? I’ll make you feel good. I promise. Baby, I promise.”

Even kissed his mouth and watched in awe as Isak grabbed his face with both hands.

“Even, I love you. I trust you. Please.”

_Shit._

“I’ll just prep you a bit more then I’ll take care of you, okay?”

Isak nodded, then kissed him again.

.

Even was careful, very very careful, maybe too careful. He didn’t want to overwhelm him. He didn’t want to break him. He didn’t want to wreck him. He just wanted to make him feel good.

“Please, Even, please.”

“Yeah, okay. Yes.”

When he first pushed into him, he was convinced he had cracked the secret of the universe.

_This is it. This is IT. It doesn’t get better than this._

But Isak was writhing from pain.

“Shit. Fuck. Oh my god.”

“Isak, am I hurting you? Shit, should I stop?”

“No. No, please don’t stop.”

He looked at him. Isak’s eyes were closed and Even knew. He knew he was in pain. He just knew it. So he leaned down and kissed him breathless.

“Baby, open your eyes.”

“Uh? I. Fuck.”

“Don’t hold back tears. I will kiss them away, I promise,” said Even.

Isak completely let go and sank his fingers into his back.

“Oh my god, Even. Shit.”

It broke his heart to see Isak in so much pain. He leaned down and kissed every tear away. He kissed him and touched him and brushed his hair off his face and kissed his neck and his forehead and pushed and pushed and pushed until Isak was moaning from pure pleasure.

“Even, baby. Fuck me.”

“Isak, I’m already -”

“Harder, please. I’m- I need you. I want to feel you, please.”

.

Isak was an absolute mess under him and Even couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Touch me,” Isak moaned. “Touch me, please.”

.

Isak held onto his shoulders, and his back, and his hair, and his neck. He loved it when Isak held onto his neck. It was so overwhelming, so so overwhelming.

.

“Shit, baby look at you. Look at you.”

Even was losing sight of himself in everything Isak, Isak, Isak. He was inside him and it felt so right. It felt like it was right where he was meant to be. Both of them panting and moaning and grabbing and yanking and merging into one soul, Isak’s legs around Even’s waist, his hands around Even’s heart.

“I love you. I love you so much,” he breathed against his neck.

“Even, I’m, I-”

“What? What?”

“I’m just.”

“What is it, Isak?”

“I’m so glad it’s you!” Isak panted. “I’m so glad I’m doing this with you!”

When they both tipped over the edge, Even kissed him until he stopped shaking.

“I’m so glad it’s me, too.”

.

“Even?”

“Hm?”

“What did you want to ask me that day in your kitchen?”

“What?”

“The day I snapped at you. What did you want to ask me about?” said Isak.

Even took a deep breath.

“I wanted to know if you read my letter.”

* * *

**Then - Nineteen & Seventeen**

It took all of Even’s courage to send Isak that text on his birthday.

“Done!” he told Amalie.

“So proud of you kid! It’s probably going to make him super happy considering it’s his birthday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he calls you,” she said.

.

When Even got out of the shower, he was told that Isak called and threw a fit.

“I think he misunderstood?” said Amalie.

_Goddammit Isak!_

.

Isak didn’t reply to any of his texts and didn’t take any of his calls. He simply refused any form of communication.

Even was so hurt.

_It’s not fucking fair._

In a rage fit, he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote to him. 

> _ISAK!_
> 
> _It’s not fair. You’re being so fucking unfair. I love you. Why won’t you let me fucking explain? Why do you always expect the worst from me?!_
> 
> _It’s not fair. You’re killing me! You keep fucking killing me!_

He mailed the letter, then begged Jonas to intercept it.

“Please don’t let him read it. Please!”

.

The following week he wrote to him again.

 

> _Dear Isak,_
> 
> _I want you to know why I left. I want you to know that I did it for me, for you, and for everybody I ever cared about. I was so bad for you. I was a mess. I hated myself. I needed to get away to accept myself so that I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time pining after you. I want to be worthy of you. I really do._
> 
> _I haven’t touched a single soul after you said you wanted me to be your first. Please believe me. Please wait for me. Please forgive me._
> 
> _When I come back I want us to just fucking talk. Why do we never talk? We used to be bestfriends. All we used to do was talk._
> 
> _There’s so much I want to tell you. So much._
> 
> _I love you with all my heart._
> 
> _-Even_

.

When Even got back, Isak ignored him as expected. It was okay. He understood.

_I’ll wait. I waited my whole life. I can wait a bit more._

_._

When he saw Isak on the tram, his heart leaped out of his chest.

.

They were playing a game. It was desperate. Really really desperate. Even was really taking desperate to a whole new level. But for some reason, Isak agreed to play.

.

They were in his kitchen, being absolutely ridiculous. Isak was flirty. He was flirty and so breathtakingly beautiful.

_What happened when I was gone? Fuck me, your cheekbones. What._

They were still playing the game, and Even couldn’t help but push Isak’s buttons. He brushed against him as much as he could and died inside whenever Isak followed him with his eyes.

.

Isak was no longer flirty. He was tense and his eyes were filled with tears.

_What the fuck are we doing._

“Baby..”

Isak kissed him with so much passion, it knocked the air out of his lungs.

_Oh my god._

It was all he ever wanted. Everything in his life up to that point just seemed so worth it, so so worth it.

“I feel like I’m fucking dreaming. Isak, am I dreaming?”

But Isak pulled him closer, and took and took and took. He was done following. He was no longer that shy boy who made Even’s insides writhe in shame and guilt.

No, Isak was in charge. Isak was taking control. And Even would have gladly dropped to his knees right then and there.

But then he remembered the promise he had made to himself.

_We will talk. We will fucking talk. We will have a conversation before I rip your clothes off this time._

“Wait. Isak, I-”

“No. Stop talking,”

“Isak, did you-, have you- Baby, wait. Wait!”

_Did you read my letter?_

But Isak’s eyes were already filled with tears and rage and poison.

Even couldn’t bring himself to stop him. Isak was erupting in his face. He was letting all of it out. He was destroying him one word at a time. He was breaking him. He was killing him. Every word felt like a stab to the heart.

But he was willing to take all of it.

_Yes, tear me apart. Let it all out. Fucking destroy me. I don’t care._

But he cared. He hadn’t realized just how stupid he had been, just how careless he had been with Isak’s heart.

_I’m so fucking sorry._

* * *

**Now & Then & Forever After**

“A letter? What was in that letter?” said Isak.

“It doesn’t even matter at this point,” said Even.

“Who fucking sends letters nowadays?”

“I’ll even learn Morse code for you.”

“You realize I hate this cheesy shit, right?” Isak rolled his eyes.

“You love it.”

.

“Do you have a reservation?” said the woman at the restaurant.

“Yes, it’s under Even Bech Næsheim,” said Even.

Isak stood awkwardly behind him, adjusting his jacket and smiling nervously at the woman.

Even pulled him closer by the waist and watched him squirm.

“This is my boyfriend,” he told the woman.

“Aw, how nice,” she said.

“Yeah. It’s nice,” he said turning to look at Isak. “Isn’t it nice?”

“Yeah,” said Isak, face flushed.

He expected him to roll his eyes and shove him, but he just blushed and smiled the entire time. Even felt his heart bursting in his chest. _I love you so much._

“Isn’t he beautiful?” Even said to the woman.

“Oh my god, Even,” Isak tried to hold back a smile, but failed.

“Very beautiful,” said the lady. “Follow me please.”

Even held his hand out for Isak and melted when he took it. There was no hesitation, no doubts, no nothing.

.

“You’re unusually silent,” said Even.

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are. You’re not even complaining about anything.”

“Well, this place is so fancy, I’d sound like the biggest idiot if I had any complaints,” said Isak.

“Why are you blushing?”

“I’m not!” Isak scoffed.

“You’re the cutest thing,” said Even with the biggest smile on his face.

“I hate you! Do you have to always tease me like this?”

Even reached over the table, grabbed Isak’s hand, and watched him melt.

“Baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” said Isak. “Literally nothing.”

“Hm?”

“This is so perfect. I never thought things could be this perfect, like. What the fuck! We’re on a date in a fancy restaurant. It’s so cheesy, yet I’m so happy. What’s wrong with me?”

Even was dying inside.

“Aw, you’re such a softie! Who knew?” said Even.

“Fuck off!” Isak shoved his hand away and rolled his eyes.

Even got up from his seat, leaned over the table, and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. When he pulled back, Isak’s eyes were wide and his face was flushed.

“We’re in fucking public!” he said.

“I don’t care. I want everyone to know that you’re my boyfriend,” said Even.

“Stop being so embarrassing.”

“I can’t. It’s physically impossible for me. You know that,” said Even, grinning.

“Ugh. Fuck me,” Isak muttered under his breath.

“Hm?”

“I love you so much. I can’t fucking handle it,” said Isak.

It took Even some time to calm himself.

“I’m glad the feeling is mutual,” he said, beaming.

.

“Mom replied to my text,” said Isak in the kitchen in kollektivet.

“Hm?”

“The text I sent her about me being in a relationship with a boy.”

“Uh, that’s amazing, Isak. What did she say?” said Even, his heart suddenly racing.

“She said that it doesn’t change anything and that she loves me just the same,” said Isak, with something like a lump in his throat.

“Aw, baby,” Even walked up to him and hugged him. “Of course she loves you. I told you.”

“Shit, I feel like a child,” Isak wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on his chest.

“Of course she loves you. She loves you more than anything in the world,” said Even.

“She invited me over to the house. My dad will be there, too. I didn’t tell them about you. But I said I’d bring my boyfriend,” said Isak. “You don’t have to come. I know it’s weird between you and my mom for some reason. I totally understand.”

It was true. Isak’s mom had always been his biggest fear and the most traumatic part of his teenage years. But Isak’s eyes were so full of hope. Of course he was going to say yes.

“Of course I’ll come.”

.

Even was so nervous. He couldn’t tame the beating of his heart. He was dressed in his best shirt and had spent way too much time on his hair. It was ridiculous.

“Even, seriously. We’re going to be late. Your hair is fine!” said Isak.

.

Marianne opened the door and Even felt like he was choking. She hugged Isak. She hugged him so tight.

And when her eyes landed on Even, she genuinely smiled.

Even felt like crying.

“Hello sweetheart,” she said.

“Uh, hi.”

She hugged him, too. And he indulged in the warmth of her embrace. There was no malice behind it, no cruelty, no ulterior motive. She was at peace.

.

Isak looked so serene that it filled Even’s heart with nothing but love.

The younger boy was talking to his dad about something, so Even decided to speak with Marianne.

“Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for having me in your house. Thank you for the food, too. I appreciate it,” he said.

She looked at him for a while before reaching out to cup his cheek with one hand.

“Look at you. You’re all grown,” she said.

“I, uh.”

“I’m so sorry, Even. For everything.”

“I’m sorry, too,” said Even. He could feel himself choke up.

“And I’m so glad it’s you.”

“I’m so glad it’s me, too.”

.

“What did you talk about with my mom?” said Isak.

“Nothing too important. Mostly about how much we love you,” said Even.

“Pfft.”

.

Even didn’t always feel good. Sometimes, it became too much.

Some days, he couldn’t leave bed. And some others, he couldn’t stay in it.

Some days, he literally serenaded Isak. And some others, he just needed space to breathe.

It wasn’t always pretty and sometimes it just got ugly. Isak would yell and cry and Even would turn off his phone and wonder alone in the streets.

They always ended up in each other’s arms though, with entangled limbs, wet kisses, and teary apologies.

“I’m so fucking stupid. I’m sorry, Isak.”

“I’m fucking stupid, too!”

.

“Why are you two so fucking dramatic? It’s actually hilarious,” said Magnus.

“What the hell?” Isak scoffed.

“Everything you do just has to be epic and dramatic. You two are too much,” said Magnus.

“Uh, what dramatic stuff are you talking about?” Even asked.

“Bro, you literally made out against the wall last week after Isak was mad for like half a day for calling him ‘baby’ in front of his bio teacher,” said Mahdi.

“How is that dramatic?” said Isak.

“Shit, it’s like Even really rubbed off on you. Wow!” said Jonas.

“Excuse me?!” said Isak.

“How are you going to be apart from each other when Even starts Uni though? I can’t picture you not being disgusting and all over each other in the hallways,” said Magnus.

_Ouch._

Jonas elbowed him under the table, but Even saw it.

“That’s a good question, Magnus. I think I’m gonna stick around for another year in high school,” said Even.

“Don’t joke about that!” said Isak.

“What?”

“You’re going to fucking Uni!” said Isak.

“Fine!” Even rolled his eyes.

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” said Isak.

“I think I just did,” said Even. “Why? You’re mad I stole your thing?”

“Oh you’re teasing me now?”

“Yeah, baby. Do you like that?” said Even.

“Fuck this shit, I’m out,” said Jonas.

“Call me baby at school one more time and you’ll have to suck your own dick tonight,” said Isak.

“Bro! Bro what the fuck man! What is wrong with you?” said Mahdi.

“Seriously, I can’t get over this shit,” said Magnus.

“I’m seriously leaving now,” said Jonas.

Even laughed. He loved it so much.

.

“I can’t believe I’m dating a high schooler,” said Even.

“Okay, first of all, you’ve been a uni student for what? One day? Second of all, I’m not any high schooler. Third, you’re not ‘dating’ me, you are mine. This isn’t some lame American movie. Fourth, I hate you. Fifth-”

Even interrupted him by pressing their lips together.

It was a smiley kiss. Smiley kisses were Even’s favorite. Isak quickly brought his hands to his hair and kissed him back while laughing, too.

“I will literally come here every day and embarrass you in front of your Uni friends. I don’t give a shit!” said Isak.

“Aw look at you. You’re so cute! But there’s no need for that. I literally showed everyone I met today pictures of us. They all think I’m weird, now,” said Even.

“You are weird, though.”

“What?” Even scoffed.

“You’re ridiculous,” Isak laughed. “You're like those annoying new parents who show pictures of their babies to people."

"Isak, it's like you're begging me to call you my baby," said Even.

"Ugh, fuck off," Isak shoved him. "What pictures are you showing people by the way?”

“You know which ones.”

“Please don’t tell me the ones of me in bed. I’ll honestly fucking kill you,” said Isak.

“No, no. The ones where we’re fully clothed.”

“Even!” Isak shouted.

“What? I literally created an instagram dedicated to you, and you won’t even post a picture of me! It’s always just shots of Magnus! You’re wasting perfectly good pictures. I have to put them to good use,” said Even.

“Since when do you even care about social media?!”

“Don’t hurt my feelings!” Even pouted.

“Oh, you're hurt now, huh? And you pout, too? Damn.” 

.

They walked home hand in hand that day. It was the start of a new school year, and it was going to be tough.

It was hard not being together all the _damn_ time, but they had done it before. They had done it countless times before. And yet, here they were.

No matter how hard he tried to fight it, the universe always seemed to shift Even’s orbit so that he ended up exactly where he belonged: _with him_.

Even thought about Isak’s parallel universe theory long and hard. It was absurd but it kept him up at night sometimes.

_What are the other Isaks and Evens doing right now? Are they together? Are they fighting? Are they talking? Have they even met yet? Is there a universe in which I’m not bipolar? Is there a universe in which I don’t break Isak’s heart? Is there a universe in which I never got back from Trondheim? Is there a universe in which I never kissed him that night when he was twelve? Is there a universe in which I don’t love him more than the moon loves the earth?_

The answer was always the same. They had an epic cosmic something going on, and it worked in every _damn_ universe. That was the only explanation.

At the end of the day, it didn’t even matter. As long as they, in this universe, were together, nothing else mattered. The other ‘Isaks and Evens’ could surely figure it out themselves. He had literally waited all his life to call this boy his. Surely, the other Even’s in the universe could find their way to this boy. This boy who made life worth living. This boy who had no idea that he was the most precious boy on the surface of the earth. This boy who didn’t know just how much being near him made everything worth it, so worth it.

This boy. This boy!

_I'_ _d bring the universe to its knees for you, baby._

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. :( So sad to see another universe go.  
> I hope this answered all of your questions. I will update the summary of this fic to: Even is obsessed with Isak ever since they're kids. I promise. LOL. I wanted to point out the importance of POV once again. Julie made me realize that tbh. She's just so so amazing (I'll never get tired of repeating that).  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this. I want to talk about some of my choices.  
> \- Isak and Even in this universe are childhood friends but they're not bros. They've never been bros. I think the main reason behind that is their age difference. I've never for the life of me seen 'bros' who are two years apart in middle school for example. They're at different maturity levels and there's bound to be some power dynamic in there. I wanted to play with that dynamic. Isak looks up to Even, and Even literally considers him his baby, wants to teach him everything, reaches his sexual awakening earlier, and feels guilty and horrible about it. (also can you imagine young!Isak like??? Young!Even would have probably died)  
> \- This was kind of angsty as hell in some parts. But LAWD, ask anyone who went through 'unrequited' love with a childhood friend. What a rollercoaster! Some of your comments touched me deeply. You guys are honestly amazing and I'm sorry so many of you could relate to this story.  
> \- Mahdi Disi: <3 lol that's it. That's my entire point.  
> \- Isak's mom: uhm.. Okay I'm sorry about this but it just seemed plausible? Isak's mom adores baby!Even. But she's super religious and she's worried. She's worried and she just wants what's best for her son. But then she sees how much power Even has over her son because she's not blind and because she's the most balanced person unfortunately. I decided not to have Even tell Isak about it. I felt like it was an Even thing to do. He knew how shaky Isak's relationship with his mother is. He wouldn't want to make that even shakier.  
> \- Can't think of more but I'll be back when it's not 2am *sigh*  
> .  
> Guys I'm thinking about my next AU. Once again, it won't be too long (just who am i kidding exactly?)  
> But I think it will be a weird one. It will be VERY DIFFERENT from anything I've written so far. I was listening to this song and it HIT ME. IT HIT ME SO HARD lol. I hope you like it.  
> .  
> Your comments, kudos, feedbacks, tumblr messages, tweets, and everything in between make writing so much easier and so much fun. It's honestly so motivating knowing so many people read your words. So from the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU <3  
> LEAVE ME PROMPTS AND WISHES <3333 love you guys (as usual i'm answering all comments <3)  
> .  
> Leave a comment if you liked this verse or if you hate how long this chapter was (I'm sorry) or if you want more stuff coming your way *hugs*

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. I'm. This is supposedly based on: 'Low Roar - Nobody Loves Me Like You' in case you needed a good cry.  
> .  
> Thank you SO MUCH for leaving comments <3 I do my best to answer all of them.  
> Come yell at me at cuteandtwisted.tumblr.com

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I'm Not A Baby](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10462872) by [Htuiba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Htuiba/pseuds/Htuiba)




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